Classes are over; flowers are blooming; and love is in the air. It’s the perfect time of year for trashy romance novels and spicy summer action movies filled with hot sex, government conspiracy and more sex.

Clif Reeder

But why spend money at Borders or Showcase Cinemas when you can download the Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty text messages for free? Here’s a brief synopsis of the latest episode from Detroit’s very own home edition of “As The World Turns.”

In January, the Detroit Free Press released evidence from text messages proving that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick lied under oath about his relationship with his former Chief of Staff Christine Beatty. Further incriminating and explicit messages were released to the public April 29; and recently Detroit City Council members have pursued legal measures to have the mayor removed from office.

Not that his sex scandal is surprising. Elect a hip-hop-loving, diamond-earring-wearing, bullheaded ex-football player as the chief executive of one of the largest cities in the United States, then force him to spend long days tucked away next to his hot, smart and oh-so-naive ex-girlfriend from college – there’s bound to be a little hanky panky going on.

I’m not criticizing Kilpatrick for being human. Since the Bill Clinton scandal, it’s common knowledge that politicians and extramarital nookie go together like peanut butter and jelly. My issue is that Kwame Kilpatrick has proven himself to be a juvenile and hypocritical idiot, and the city of Detroit just can’t afford that.

I must admit, I laughed out loud while reading the text messages. Some of them could give erotic novelists a run for their money, but most sounded like the love notes of horny high schoolers. Beatty sent one text to the mayor that read, “All those things and more make up the love of my life, Kwame Malik Kilpatrick . You are like a dream in my life and I can’t believe sometimes that our friendship is real.”

I can’t believe that that corny text message is real.The only thing missing is a little heart and arrow with “Christine loves Kwame” in the middle.

Based on the 2008 U.S. Department of Labor Census, 8.1 percent of Detroit and Metro Detroit residents are still unemployed, and the city of Detroit remains No. 1 on the list of worst cities in America according to Forbes. But apparently, instead of working to change those statistics, Kwame spent his time playing patty cake with Beatty.

In addition to being childish, Kwame demonstrated that he is a pure hypocrite when he sent a text that said, “Hell no! Don’t start none, won’t be none niggette!”

“Niggette?” Really?

Our “Honorable” Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said in his NAACP ceremony speech last July, “Today we’re not just burying the N-word, we’re taking it out of our spirit.” Who would’ve known that the same leader who passionately urged us to remove the derogatory N-word from our vocabulary was using it as a pet name for his mistress?

Anyone who’s ever seen a suspense thriller knows that the first rule is to never leave any kind of paper (or phone) trail. This genius not only blatantly bragged about everything he had previously denied in court, but he spent millions of the city’s dollars trying to cover up his lies.

Having booty calls behind your wife’s back is one thing, but making electronic booty calls behind your wife’s back with a government-owned phone is just plain stupid. More importantly, it is expensive, and ultimately the taxpayers of Detroit have to pay for it.

For God’s sake Kwame, just resign. Not because you lied in court, or because you spent millions of the city’s dollars to cover your ass or because you embarrassed every resident in the city of Detroit, but because you’re just an idiot.

Shakira Smiler can be reached at stsmiler@umich.edu.

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