Black 2001 Saturn SC2.
That’s the car I drive – and if Michigan State beats Michigan, look for it on Main Street, blasting the Michigan State fight song.
There’s my picture (outdated, but my picture nonetheless), right by the headline of this column. Look for me in that car.
And here’s another bit of contact information: firstname.lastname@example.org. That’s my e-mail address, and I don’t want to take the chance of you missing it at the bottom of this column.
If Michigan State loses – well, tough luck. It’s not like we’re not used to it. But Michigan isn’t used to losing. I will drink Wolverine tears as if it was the sweetest nectar in the world.
Let me debunk the ad hominem attacks by Michigan Daily columnist Scott Bell last year that will probably be, in some way, recycled (for lack of creativity) in this year’s Michigan Daily column.
You will call us stupid, but at least I chose to attend a school that offers an actual journalism degree.
You will call us drunkards and drug addicts, but what about Michigan wide receiver Mario Manningham’s drug-possession charge?
You will call us pathetic in the realm of football, evidenced by the 66-28-5 all-time series record in favor of Michigan. That’s all nice, and it’s a fun statistic to use, especially when you don’t recognize the fact that Michigan was in the Big Ten a whole 53 years before Michigan State. The series is lopsided since 1953 but considerably less so: 33-19-2 in favor of the Wolverines.
You will call us ignorant for using the line, “Just wait until basketball season” if we lose. But isn’t it all relative? Wouldn’t you say that, too, if the tables were turned? Don’t even think about refuting that. Oh, and how did your hockey team do last year? I believe ours won the National Championship (and when I say “I believe,” I mean “We did”).
You will call us uneducated farm hands, and I stress that yes, our university does have an agricultural program – but we’re good at it. And hey, if we’re farm hands, at least we go to college for it, unlike the millions of Wal-Mart Wolverines out there. Oh, and how is that journalism degree working out?
You will call us thugs, citing senior linebacker SirDarean Adams and sophomore cornerback T.J. Williams’s unarmed robbery charge. You won’t get a response to that because, well, really, I don’t have one.
Congratulations, you got one point over me.
You should thank me, though. You needed to be taken down a peg or two. The State News football reporter from last year, Ethan Conley, was just too nice to Michigan fans. He was “fresh out of ammunition,” as he penned in his column. Well, I’ve got an M-16 with an ample supply of ammunition.
And look at that – I did all of this without an Appalachian State joke.
This seems awfully boastful for the state of Michigan’s eternal football underdog. But hey, I can do that. There are no repercussions for Spartans fans or me because, by all accounts, Michigan State should lose this football game.
But if it doesn’t .
Imagine the hysteria in Spartan Stadium. No, we’re not Michigan’s biggest rival, but Michigan is our biggest rival. If I were a Wolverines fan, I’d shut my cell phone off if the final second (or second-and-a-half) rolls off the clock with the Spartans ahead.
Sheer bliss. That’s what a Michigan State victory would be.
Maybe it’s a little sad that at least a major portion of a lackluster season can be salvaged by one win. But we’re used to football disappointments here.
And, truthfully, we’re easy to pick on for paling in comparison to the Wolverines’ football prowess. We’re easy to pick on for citing close games we lose as a mark of improvement. We’re easy to pick on because, in all likelihood, Michigan State will lose this game. Actually, you probably don’t even need to watch the game because the victor will almost certainly be Michigan.
But if you don’t watch the game, look for that black 2001 Saturn SC-2 and listen for the Michigan State fight song – that should give you some indication who wins.
And, when you see and hear it, I’ll put my windshield wipers on. Given the circumstances, the Ann Arbor forecast is sure to be a torrential downpour of tears.
– Zack Colman is a State News football reporter. You can reach him at email@example.com.