Around this time of year, business at everyone’s favorite
sexy boutique Victoria’s Secret skyrockets as millions of
boyfriends and husbands search for that perfect gift. There’s
nothing like the lost male in a store of lacy underwear and frilly
bras. Believe, I’ve seen it, for last summer I had the
“pleasure” of working at my local Vicky’s. Yes,
they do occasionally hire those with a Y chromosome to help attract
women into the store. Take it from me, men of the world;
Victoria’s Secret is not worth the headache.

The concept of lingerie as a gift is somewhat selfish. A gift is
supposed to be something for her, not you. You might as well get
her a back massager and then tell her your lower lumbar needs a
little work. It’s the same general principle. You may think
you’re giving her the gift of making her feel sexy and
desirable, but this will most likely backfire.

Think about the message you’re sending to your lady when
you buy her something slinky from Victoria’s Secret.
Basically, you’re telling her that she’s not sexy
enough for you. Buy her something conservative and you’re
telling her she needs to loosen up. Buy her something elaborate and
crotchless and you’re telling her she’s sleazy. Men
might not always think of these things, but their women tend to
hold the theory of “it’s the thought that counts”
much more dear. No matter what you get her, she’s going to
read some unforseen meaning into it. Better make sure that couch is
a pullout. That’s where you’ll be sleeping for a night
or two.

If for some reason, you’re still set on shopping
Vicky’s for your valentine, you’re a braver man than I.
You’re also a fool. Unless you’ve made a life-size body
cast of your true love, and that’s just downright creepy,
you’re going to have a rough time finding the right size.
Very few men know what size dress their girlfriends wear, let alone
even more delicate things such as underwear. This will create
nothing but awkward moments with the female employees as the
“yeah, her body is a lot like hers” line will most
likely be dropped. They don’t take too kindly to that. Even
if you manage to find something close to her size, it’s more
than likely not going to fit. This will open yet another can of
worms. If it’s too big, then you’re saying she’s
fat. It it’s too small, then you’re saying she’s
anorexic. If it’s exactly the right size, then you’ve
lucked out. Don’t expect that to happen ever again.

But wait, Vicky’s has more than just underwear.
They’ve got an entire line of cosmetics and fragrances to fit
every mood of every woman. The problem is without having her in the
store with you, and thus ruining the surprise altogether,
there’s no real way to know what she’d like and what
colors work best with her complexion. The salespeople don’t
have any better idea than you do, so they’ll just sell you
what’s currently hot, or most expensive. The fragrances
selection is pretty much the same problem. Are you looking for
something she’d like, or something you think smells good? And
again, think about the message you’re sending. “Baby, I
love you, but you smell terrible.” You’re just asking
for it.

The bottom line is, unless you know your lady better than any
man has ever known a lady, Victoria’s Secret is not the best
choice. Play it safe and go with roses.

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