The Democratic Party sucks. I mean it.
It’s awful. If political parties were breakfast cereals, the
Democratic party would be the slightly discolored box of Puffed
Rice that’s been collecting dust behind the Cream of Wheat in your
grandmother’s cereal cabinet since 1986. I say this because it’s
campaign time again, and though the mere idea of four more years
under the dread President Dubya might be enough to compel even the
rainy-day liberal to get Wesley Clark’s face tattooed on her ass
(wait – her donkey or her buttocks? I’ll let you decide), it
shouldn’t be.

Mira Levitan

There are reasons. Remember the 2000 presidential election?
Remember how the Democratic candidate was serving as vice president
in an administration under which the U.S. economy had grown faster
than a Chia Head on crack? Remember how the Republican candidate
was a failed businessman and also the proud governor of a state
that had zero moral compunctions about capitally punishing retarded
people?

It should have been very, very easy for Democrats in high places
to convince American voters to elect Al Gore, but they failed.
Spectacularly. When your main opponent is only slightly less
articulate than the average brick and yet you repeatedly fail to
destroy him in public debates, you don’t deserve to be president.
And shame on your political affiliates for backing you.

Mostly liberal and utterly disgusted, I registered independent
and voted Green in that election. As if to prove me right, the
party continued to suck long after Bush swaggered into 1600
Pennsylvania Ave. Sept. 11 happened, and suddenly there was this
big, ugly bill before Congress called the USA PATRIOT Act
(abstract: “If we pay any attention whatsoever to the Fourth
Amendment, the terrorists have won”). Awful though they had already
shown themselves to be, I didn’t really want to believe that the
Democrats in Congress would let the PATRIOT Act through. So they’d
handed Bush the White House on a silver platter the previous
November – so what? They were still civil-liberty-lovin’ liberals
with spines and scruples, right?

Oh, what a foolish young thing I was. No more. I’ve given up
what little hope I once had for the Democratic Party, and seeing
its members cropping up now, after three years of nodding politely
at Bush’s every butchered sentence and waiving their every chance
to check his power, irks me to no end.

So I say forget them. What the people of this country really
need is a pair of stellar surprise candidates to spring up out of
the woodwork. We need a presidential candidate who regularly pokes
holes in the mainstream media’s definitions of “patriot” and
“terrorist,” who can take boring old political issues and make them
accessible – even side-splittingly funny – to the yawning masses.
We need a vice-presidential candidate who can give voice to the
young, the liberal and the angry, whose very presence brings them
out in approval-roaring droves.

We need Jon Stewart and Eddie Vedder. Yes. The host of Comedy
Central’s “The Daily Show” and the lead singer of Pearl Jam, the
greatest American rock band of all time – it would be glorious. You
think I’m kidding. But come with me on this one.

As host of “The Daily Show,” Stewart’s been cutting Bush down to
size on basic cable every Monday through Friday at 11 p.m. Eastern
Standard Time since day one of the Bush presidency. And unlike the
Democratic “leaders” who so raise my ire, Stewart didn’t bite his
tongue when Bush pre-emptively demonized his detractors. He
repeated that which needed repeating (Bush saying in complete and
total earnest that he was “a follower of American politics” – a
clip overlooked by the likes of CNN) and mocked that which needed
mocking (terror alerts, mass media spin, etc.). We can trust this
guy. And Vedder, well, he’s been an outspoken critic of Bush
administrations past and present ever since he wore that homemade
“NO BUSH ’92” shirt on “Saturday Night Live” 11 years ago. He has
interviewed Gloria Steinem on pirate radio, spoken at Ralph Nader
rallies and played the ukelele. He’d be the perfect charismatic
angry-yet-sensitive compliment to Stewart’s straightforward
savvy.

Jon, Eddie (is it okay if I call you Jon and Eddie? Please?),
your country is counting on you. Don’t let us down.

Henretty can be reached at
“mailto:ahenrett@umich.edu”>ahenrett@umich.edu.

 

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