This summer has featured more than its fair share of sports stories that made me say: “That’s the most insanely stupid thing that I have ever read.”
- Paul Wong
- Steve Jackson
It all started in May, when Australian-rules football player Peter Finlandia decided to bite another player in the most private of regions during a game.
The unfortunate recipient of this “foul” needed a tetanus shot, which I’m sure was equally pleasant.
The league gave Finlandia a short suspension, but I’m happy to report that the Sydney Swans are no longer paying him for his services.
Still, I will never look at an Australian athlete the same way again.
Just about the time I stopped telling everyone I knew about that story, along came game four of the NBA Western Conference Finals.
Some of you may remember that Los Angeles Lakers forward Robert Horry hit a three-pointer at the buzzer to even the series with the Sacramento Kings at two games apiece that night.
However, most of you did not hear about the “technical difficulties” that some fans experienced.
Some village idiot at the ATV-ASN television station in Canada accidentally flipped the wrong switch, turning playoff basketball into adult entertainment.
Now I’m sure that working at a television network in the “Land of the Big Empty Cold” could get boring, but I think that somewhere in his contract is a clause preventing him from watching pornography at work, much less directing it free of charge into the homes of unsuspecting basketball fans.
ATV-ASN got more than a few complaints, and sure enough, the technician that was responsible was swiftly fired.
Those two idiots may have surprised and alarmed sports fans thousands of miles away, but their stupidity only cost them their jobs.
Enter the crazy soccer fans.
The World Cup found its way to Japan and Korea this summer, and where big soccer games are played, brainless soccer fans will follow.
One fan shot and killed his wife for changing the channel away from the World Cup game.
I’m very protective of my remote control, but I wouldn’t resort to violence even if I were forced to watch an entire game between the Tigers and Devil Rays.
Another soccer fan, whose name was not released, reportedly covered his body with paint thinner and set himself ablaze.
This, apparently, was all part of his plan to become a spirit and help the Korean team to a victory in World Cup play. Check out his suicide note.
“The sweat and tears of Coach Gus Hiddink and his players were the biggest birthday present ever given to me. But now we have to overcome South American and European team, and I am driven to take this road by impetuosity. I will become the 12th soccer player by becoming a spirit and will run for the victory of the Korean team. Fighting Korea!”
Korea won its game just hours after the fire started. But our famously crazy fan failed in his mission to become a spirit. Instead, he lives to tell the tale as a human barbeque.
I expected some hooliganism, but committing murder and attempting suicide in the name of sport was above and beyond the call of duty for these soccer fans. Their idiocy appeared to be without match.
But after hearing of all these insanely stupid acts by foreigners, Green Bay Packer Najeh Davenport stood up and proved why American athletes are the best of the best at finding creative ways to get arrested.
Davenport, who had just helped the Miami football team to a national title in January, got booked for “a misdemeanor count of criminal mischief.”
That charge makes it sound like he found an inappropriate use for spray paint, soap or eggs, but Davenport has redefined the term.
The 6-foot-2, 248-pound fullback, who may or may not have been on mind-altering substances at the time, allegedly broke into a dorm room and took a dump in a girl’s closet.
He did not know the girl, and no one has offered a good excuse for why this outrageous random act of nature may have occurred.
Davenport is pleading not guilty. But even if he escapes this legal challenge, he still wins my award for “most insanely stupid thing that I have ever read.”
This one will be tough to top.
Steve Jackson’s column will appear on Mondays. He can be reached at
sjjackso@umich.edu.