Well, it would be slander if I claimed that the ultra-conservative talkinghead and author of the bestseller “Slander: Liberal Lies about the American Right,” Ann Coulter, was spending her nights with a Marx-reading, A.C.L.U.-supporting lefty. It would damage her image as the woman who thinks that all democrats are as bad as the Sept. 11 terrorists.

Paul Wong
Ari Paul

But then again, opposites attract.

The scene: Ari’s bedroom, night. Lights dim, Marvin Gaye playing lightly in the background. Ari and Ann smoking cigarettes under the covers. A framed portrait of Che Guevara hangs on the wall above the bed.

Paul: I’m sorry, baby. How was I to know that The New York Times would write an article about us?

Coulter: “(The New York Times is) a bizarre sectarian newspaper edited by wrathful demagogues.” (Dec. 18, 2000, from her column “Plus the sun was in his eyes”)

Paul: Wrathful demagogues? You mean Jews? You think that if Jews didn’t run The New …

Coulter: “We should kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.”

(Responding to bombings of Sept. 11, 2001, in her column for that week, “This is War”)

Paul: And that would make journalism all better? You are a racist.

Coulter: “The old liberal stand by: Racism.” (June 30, 2000, “O.J. was ‘proved’ innocent?”)

Paul: You’re right. I’m too stubborn. You’re not a racist. I just refuse to admit that I regret wasting my time chasing after those leftist chicks that won’t put out like you.

Coulter: “Liberal women are useless.” (April 18, 2000, from her column “No shadow of a doubt – liberal women are useless”)

Paul: I mean, us lefties are so oversensitive. What’s wrong with profiling dark-skinned people at airports anyway?

Coulter: “Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslim.” (“Future Widows of America: Write Your Congressman,” September 26, 2001)

Paul: What about Timothy McVeigh? He was a Christian ultra-conservative who hated blacks and other minorities.

Coulter: “The old liberal stand by: Racism.” (June 30, 2000, “O.J. was ‘proved’ innocent”)

Paul: My point is that you can’t blame a whole religion for the actions of a few. It would be absurd to blame Christianity or the white race for McVeigh, and it’s the same with Islam.

Coulter: “It’s perplexing to hear liberals carrying on so about how peaceful most Muslims are.” (Oct. 12 2001, “Affirmative Action for Osama”)

Paul: Well, listen, there are a lot of good Muslim charity groups. In fact there’s one headed by that guy; I can’t remember his name …

Coulter: “Their names are too complicated. There’s a reason they use numbers at Guantanamo.” (Sept. 19 2002, “So Three Arabs Walk into a Bar”)

Paul: I don’t know why I spend night after night with you. There are a lot of people in America who would sooner hang you than pork you.

Coulter: “By ‘America,’ I obviously mean to exclude newsrooms, college campuses, Manhattan and Los Angeles.” (Aug. 9 2002, “Nuclear annihilation can’t be confined to the outer boroughs”)

Paul: Anywhere that has non-white, well-informed people you mean.

Coulter: “The old liberal stand by: Racism.” (June 30, 2000, “O.J was ‘proved’ innocent”)

Paul: Okay, so conservatives aren’t so bad about race. I mean, Dubya appointed Norm Mineta as Secretary of Transportation.

Coulter: “Mineta is burning with hatred for America … because he is a minority.” (Feb. 28, 2002, “Mineta’s Bataan Death March”)

Paul: You think that because he’s against racial profiling? He’s against it because it’s ineffective, and besides, you think he might be a bit sensitive about it seeing as he lived in an internment camp.

Why else would he be against racial profiling?

Coulter: “(Mineta) has deliberately blocked the racial profiling of Arabs because he secretly hates America.” (Feb. 28, 2002, “Mineta’s Bataan Death March”)

Paul: Hey! I just gave you props for not being a racist. What kind of …

Coulter: “The old liberal stand by: Racism.” (June 30, 2000, “O.J was ‘proved’ innocent”)

Paul: Listen, Ann, if this relationship is going to go anywhere. you have to compromise.

For starters, on even days, we’ll watch Fox News, and on odd, we’ll watch CNN. In the middle we’ll find a balance.

Coulter: “Where’s this center? Somewhere between Lenin and Stalin?” (from www.keepandbeararms.com)

Paul: Okay. I said I was sorry. I’m sorry for letting everyone know that the heroine of the right is sleeping with the scum from the left.

And I’m sorry for telling everyone your true thoughts about racism. Does me letting the world know that you are nothing but a racist make you that upset?

Coulter: “Frankly, I’m getting a lot of great publicity.” (Quoted from Howard Kurtz, “National Review Cans Columnist Ann Coulter,” Washington Post: Oct. 2, 2001.)

– Ari Paul can be reached at aspaul@umich.edu.

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