A bilingual food fight
While sitting in my German class today, the hysterical department head, carried in a large bag of plastic food. Odd, I thought, as he plunked it down on the desk. He had a brief conversation with my instructor in German, chuckled, and walked out.
Class continued as usual until about halfway through when my instructor grabbed the large bag and dumped it all over his desk. He then began throwing the plastic food items at us, occasionally and frantically referring to the flying produce, fish and ice cream as “Mein Mittagessen!” (“My lunch!”).
Twenty some-odd pieces of plastic food whirled around the classroom. As we all shouted out the names of incoming trauben (grapes) and hackfleisch (ground meat), I simultaneously had to duck flying pieces of brokkoli and eier (eggs) for fear of direct contact.
At the end of class, my professor requested we return our food to the front of the class. Being creative in interpreting the insutrctions, one student threw his pute (turkey) at our instructor. Following suit, over 20 more plastic pieces of food flew in an assault towards our instructor. He covered his face with his arms while wailing once again, “Mein Mittagessen!”
I recently went to University Health Services for an annual pap smear, a quick but demeaning procedure involving almost complete nudity and metal stirrups.
Past physicians who’ve done the service have kept small talk to a minimum, but my UHS gynecologist seized the chance to play did-you-know with the female anatomy while she prodded my body with cold instruments.
“Your ovaries are the size of M&M’s,” she said, poking them from outside my abdomen. “Is it weird I told you that?”
“No?” I said. “It’s just they look proportionally much bigger in diagrams?”
Artist renderings are off, she said. Ovaries range from the size of M&M’s to large grapes. Also, the birth control pill causes ovaries to shrink, reducing the chance of ovarian cancer in women who take it.
“Hm, that’s interesting,” I said to the woman who was using my compulsorily naked body for a personalized anatomy lesson.
People say UHS lacks the comforting, personal touch of a private physician, but I left reassured that birth control has shriveled my ovaries to the size of raisins so I probably won’t get ovarian cancer.