There’s no way in hell I would want
the author Stephen King as a parent or legal guardian. Now that
I’ve made that clear, I’ll elaborate on how I arrived
at this conclusion. On my most recent trip to my hometown, I found
myself bored occasionally. It felt as though there was nothing to
do, and I began to wonder what it would be like to have grown up in
a different city.

Janna Hutz

I extended this concept to include the people I’ve grown
up around. I tried to imagine how I’d be different had my
friends been different types of people. I wondered if I would
aspire to become an actor had my brothers been named Charlie and
Emilio instead of Chris and Eric. Then, I considered having a rich
and famous parent. I decided to picture life as the child of the
first famous name that came to mind, the writer Stephen King.

It was an interesting experience, imagining that hypothetical
situation, and that is why I’ve decided to share it with
others. I tried to predict how normal situations could be skewed by
the peculiar and eccentric personality of one of the biggest
literary figures of our time. To remove myself from the story a
bit, the child involved will be a young girl; whereas, I, in fact,
am not.

So, to help others appreciate the normalcy they may take for
granted, I’ve constructed a monologue which consists of
Stephen King addressing his adolescent daughter. I believe it would
go something like this:

“You know, Kitten, it seems like only yesterday that I
heard you say your first

words, and now you’re already ten years old and just about
ready to go off and start a family of your own. It’s amazing
how the time flies, you know?

“Soon you’ll be going to junior high school, and I
wish I could tell you that you’ll enjoy it. I wish I could
tell you that, but middle school is no fairy tale world. You see,
this can be a difficult time in life for girls your age.
You’re just now beginning to become a woman, and it can be
very confusing. So I’ll try to explain everything so you can
understand your life better.

“First of all, your body is going to start to change.
You’ll get taller, and start to look more like the women in
Daddy’s magazines. That’s totally normal, and every
girl goes through that stage of life. It’s the stage in which
ghoulish demons invade your body and begin to dwell within the most
remote innards of your person. Their one goal will be to completely
overtake your eternal soul, one day at a time. These demons have
been sent forth by an ancient curse wrought upon womankind
thousands of years ago by a half-clown, half-spider who was born
upon a sacred Indian burial ground.

“One of the first signs that the demons have begun to lay
siege to your spirit will be the way you feel. As your body
attempts to ward off the evil beings, it produces an abundance of
emotionally charged hormones. So when you experience wild mood
swings, just know that you’re not really mad when you think
you’re just being possessed a little bit.

“Also, you’ll notice some problems with your voice.
It will begin to change, lowering in tone. In fact, the lower and
sultrier your voice becomes, the closer you are to your impending

“It’s all very inevitable; there’s no point in
worrying about it. It’s only a matter of time until the
battle is lost and your fate is sealed.

“One day, you will begin to bleed and you won’t know
why. That’s the work of the demons. Once those dark creatures
have conquered all they seek, they’ll begin tearing your soul
apart and gradually expelling it from your body, a little at a time
for years and years. I’m sorry darling, but no one said
becoming a woman was easy.

“Honey, hush. I know it’s difficult, but it’s
something you’ve got to hear. Finally, you’ll become
more interested in boys. Again, it’s completely normal and
nothing to feel strange about. That’s just the early stages
of your natural attraction to Satan, lord of all darkness. Now, go
fetch Daddy’s cup of blood and I’ll tell you a bedtime

If nothing else, writing this has allowed me to realize how
lucky I am to have had parents who were so devoid of psychotic
behavior. After all, they never made me get a cup of blood for them
— they’d always get it themselves.

—Andy Kula’s column will appear every other
Thursday in Weekend Magazine. He can be reached at

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