Two weeks ago, I wrote about paintings and
photographs, saying it was an exercise for my art interpretation
class. It was an especially humorous article, so I expected to wake
up to a flood of congratulatory e-mails.

Andrew Kula

The only e-mails I received were not complimentary. Faculty and
alumni scathingly corrected a statement I had made, telling me that
Edward Munch had painted “The Scream” and not Vinny Van
Gogh, as I had stated. One person even called my bluff, implying
that with my lack of knowledge I was probably not even enrolled in
an art course. Honestly, this is true. I lied about taking that
course simply because I thought it could be funny.

Being an intelligent person, it’s unlikely that I’d
make such an obvious mistake without checking my facts. It must
have been at least partially intentional. Much like the cat burglar
who fixes himself a tuna sandwich and has a nap on the futon, I was
subconsciously asking to be caught. I want to change my ways
because honesty is priority No. 1, people. Today, the lies are
exposed.

January 15: In my column “Thankfully, Stephen King is not
my daddy” I implied that the famous author has an unhealthy
addiction to pornography. Also, I hinted that my own parents enjoy
drinking human blood. To the best of my knowledge, neither of these
statements is true.

January 29: In another column, I knowingly encouraged students
to join a number of campus organizations that don’t exist.
They included the Cannibalistic Organization of Wolverines and Dead
Poets Society Society. Also, I stated that I am involved in the
K-Grams program, which is true, but according to the article I
“corrupt local youths with stories of drug-induced violence
and/or exotic sexual conquest,” which is false.

February 6: At a party on Geddes Avenue an inebriated woman
molested me. To separate us, I told her I had gonorrhea, and I
didn’t see her the rest of the night. Truthfully, I
don’t have the clap or any other venereal disease; I just
didn’t find her attractive.

February 6: Later that night, a girl asked me if I belonged to a
fraternity. Afraid of appearing less interesting if I said no, I
told her that I did. When asked which one, instead of admitting I
lied and that in fact I don’t know the letters of the Greek
alphabet, I stared blankly, then uttered, “Cobra
Kai.”

February 12: In my column, I described a disastrous date of mine
from high school, not one word of it true. I never tried to slip
anyone a Mickey, nor did I molest a foreign child, remove my pants
in public or siphon gas from anyone’s car — that
night.

February 19: Having missed a deadline for an assignment in a
class, I told my instructor that I had a family emergency the day
before that preoccupied my time. In truth, there was no emergency;
I was home and awake until 4 a.m. watching “Cocktail”
on TNT. Twice.

March 8: In a telephone conversation with my parents, I said I
had spent the night before “praying at church.”
Actually, by “praying,” I meant drinking, and by
“at church,” I meant alone.

March 11: I published a column, describing the jobs I’ve
had in the past. This was chock-full of falsehoods. First of all, I
don’t have a personal financial advisor named Klaus. Next,
none of my fellow paperboys died in the line of duty, my approach
to box-making was not renegade so much as conformist, and I never
killed a man and “his tasty bitch he was with.”

March 25: As mentioned before, my last column was also
misleading. I described myself as having a pointed left ear, a
giant scar and buck teeth. While the statement about the ear is
true (at the right angle and in certain lighting, I look like
Satan), I have no scar and my teeth are utterly gorgeous.

April 8: In the column published this morning, while confessing
my lies, I included the sixth, seventh, ninth and tenth paragraphs,
which are in fact lies of their own. Furthermore, the column itself
is little more than an “Andy Kula’s Greatest
Hits” tribute. With my age and experience, such a column
would be similar to a best-of reel from “The Magic
Hour” or “The Chevy Chase Show.”

Hopefully, by coming clean about all my deceit and treachery, I
will regain your trust, and we can move on and establish a new
phase in our relationship. I never meant to hurt you, Michigan.

 

— Contact Andy at
“mailto:ajkula@umich.edu”>ajkula@umich.edu.

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