DETROIT — Before my candidate for President of these Americas, the former-but-always-honorable Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, went from his honorable seat to the even honorable-r podium at a Detroit Economic Club luncheon yesterday, a prayer was recited.
Well, two, I suppose.
The first and always-foremost favorite prayer: the Pledge of Allegiance. I mean, I don’t need to re-pledge my allegiance to America, as I was born here and born with allegiance in my beating heart. But still, it’s nice to hear.
A priest recited the second. It was a nice concept, but the content was all wrong. Frankly, it was offensive to real red-white-and-bluers such as Mr. Santorum and myself. The priest had the right idea when he blessed the blessed candidate — but then he made a grave, and possibly communist, error. Along with Rick, he blessed all who seek office.
Father, for someone who has such a direct line to the big man upstairs, you should know that God specifically and explicitly does not bless all candidates — that would include a certain Kenyan-secret-Muslim-non-American-who-shall-not-be-named. How do I know God’s will? Rick told me, and who would know it better than the former representative of Pennsylvania? After all, what’s Scranton if not a modern day Garden of Eden?
Speaking of paradise, Rick said he was hot and bothered to be in Detroit, a city that was “known for prosperity.” Detroit: model to the country — nay, the world! And Detroit was honored he was here, too.
No eyes could have been more honored to look upon the future President of the United States of America than the student groups that were there. A couple students fainted from the sheer sight of him — wait, that was me. Each group’s plate was paid for by a sponsor, which sounds an awful lot like a handout, if you ask me. But since they were from a business, I’ll have to ask Rick if that’s honorable.
Rick talked a lot about taxes. Luckily for real American job creators like myself — I recently hired two dogs to paint a portrait of another dog — he talked about my favorite kind of taxes: no taxes.
I don’t always pay taxes, but when I do, my rate is in single digits. So while only two rates for income taxes are nice — 10 percent and 28 percent that Ricky proposed in his speech — I would have thought God would have told his BFF Rick to keep them a little honorably closer to my favorite number: no taxes.
While we’re on numbers, Rick spoke to the Occupiers, or as my painting dogs and I like to call them, “the poor.” Rick, honorable as ever, knows that President Oh-what’s-his-name has been engaging in class warfare since the day he was born in the hot Kenyan sun.
Rick knows this isn’t about 99 percent, or Mitt the Mudslinger’s 95 percent. We need a candidate like Rickles, who said at that podium he supports 100 percent of the 1 percent. I think. Don’t quote me on those numbers. Fractions aren’t really my thing. If they were, I’d be a liberal elitist.
Speaking of liberal elitists: Obama. As if I needed any reminder other than the gaping hole in my heart since he took office, I learned some new reasons Obama has ruined our country beyond repair — unless Rick wins.
Did you know that by raising federal fuel economy standards, the Socialist in Chief forced automakers to produce more unsafe cars? Rick said it, so it must be true.
Or how about the rejection of the Keystone XL pipeline? Rick told us today that Obama has a social-communist idea to keep natural resources in the ground. Rick and I want them in the economy where they belong. He brought a rock along that supposedly oil comes from. I usually don’t believe in that science mumbo-jumbo, but I’ll take his word for it.
Most importantly, Rick warned me of Obama’s biggest war against society: the war on families. I don’t understand the economic formula behind it, but families are absolutely vital to our economy. And not just any kind, the honorable kind. If you don’t know what kind that is, you’re probably in the wrong kind.
We need families with a mother and a father. Marriage is on the decline, and that just doesn’t groove with Rick, myself or my dogs and their paintbrushes. To encourage the honorable types to have honorable-type children, Rick will triple child deductions and end marriage tax penalties.
After all, Rick said an overwhelming majority of prison inmates grew up without a father. We’ve got to save the family before all our kids are in prison! Maybe all children should be required to have two fathers. They could even share a bed to be economical!
Because here in America, the Shining City on a Hill, isn’t family, oil rocks and ending with a Reagan quotation what we’re all about? It is in Rick’s America, and isn’t his the honorable kind?
Andrew Weiner can be reached at email@example.com. Follow him on Twitter at @AndrewWeiner.