5. John Navarre, NFL starting quarterback — Anyone else find themselves rooting for Johnny Ballgame last Sunday? How many quarterbacks can you possibly go through in a year? In related news, I am now No. 2 on the Arizona Cardinals QB depth chart. They are physically running out of players who can throw a football, people.
4. “Die Hard” — Most people enjoy the holidays because of the gifts, the family, the parties. I like it mostly because when I fall asleep pretending to be John McClain, it just feels more authentic. Best. Holiday. Movie. Ever. Wait — make that Best Movie Ever.
3. “De Capo Best Music Writing 2004” — Annual collection of the best music criticism, journalism and humor. In which a review of the new Lester Bangs book actually eclipses much of Bangs’s own writing. In which we learn of Lauryn Hill’s spooky spiritual advisor. In which we hear the justification for R. Kelly’s child pornography habit. As a bonus, we get to watch William Bowers bloom into America’s most interesting rock critic.
2. Chuck Klosterman — If Bowers is America’s most interesting rock critic, then Klosterman is the funniest. His latest article, printed this month in “Spin” magazine, is the type of putty-brained nonsense he’s been writing for years. The best part: He knows virtually nothing about underground rock. He’s getting better.
1. “National Treasure” — Storyline revolving around a family of treasure hunters? Check. PG rating? Check. Map on the back of the Declaration of Independence? Check. Three weeks as box office No. 1? Check. Gun-toting, stereotypical European bad guys and a heartwarming kiss? Check and check. Not to spoil the ending, but anyone worried that our “national treasure” is something lame like liberty or democracy should stop fretting: It’s a big-ass room of treasure, full of gold bullion, ancient scrolls and shit.