It seems that every day, our student body stumbles upon some exciting, creative new way to remain aggressively polarized. Just when we seem to run the risk of appearing cohesive or united, a miraculously divisive event takes place, and Joe Six-Pack of the urination club allegedly relinquishes the liquid contents of his evening’s entertainment upon the nearest passerby. In a flash, the shit-storm is underway. Every active student mobilizes according to sex/race/ideological affiliation/campus group/favorite bubble-gum flavor, and the tense political environment that somehow fuels this campus is reinvigorated.
If there is one thing, however – one single aspect of this University that eternally brings us together, shining a beacon of hope for all who dream of a better future – it has to be Big Ten Burrito. Regardless of whether you want to tear down the prison-industrial complex, pound affirmative action into oblivion or donate your breakfast to overzealous rodents in the Diag, you can find utter joy and comfort in the humble offerings of this local establishment. At Big Ten Burrito, the jaded hipster rubs elbows with the jocular fratboy; the College Democrat trades laughs with her Republican counterpart, and all are able to momentarily forget the traits which divide us over a deluxe vegetarian with black beans and a dab of hot sauce.
And now, they’re trying to take it away from us. Under the hollow guise of copyright infringement, the malicious, power-drunk officials at the Big Ten Conference have challenged our favorite eatery, threatening a lawsuit against it unless its birth-name is struck from the record. The guileless among you, whose appetites rage without a sense of principle, may continue reclining on your sofa, chicken nachos in your belly and nary a care in your head. After all, what’s so horrible about Big Ten Burrito being forced to change its moniker?
Well, the truth may frighten you, my friend. In fact, considering its level of classification and potential explosiveness, the truth may actually get you killed. But ask and ye shall receive. For those of us who still have to the courage to think, who still spend our time pondering complex burrito systems and the extensive history of authoritarian rule imposed upon them, the implications of this act are as painstakingly obvious as the inferiority of Panchero’s.
Plainly stated, the Big Ten Conference wants to destroy Big Ten Burrito. From deep within the trenches of their icy hearts, the depraved technocrats that run this organization want nothing more than the complete and utter annihilation of BTB, along with everything it stands for.
You see, our favorite little burrito shack, simple and innocuous as it may seem, has committed the ultimate tactical error in the eyes of conference officials – it has upset the balance of power. By laying the groundwork for future cooperation among even the most oppositional groups on campus, Big Ten Burrito has the potential to foster a new golden age for the University and usher in unheralded conference dominance for years.
Threatened by an uncertain future, the faceless neo-burrito imperialists have decided to act first. Having witnessed the initial threat, it should come as no surprise to us as the coming months bear witness to an increasingly aggressive campaign waged against poor, defenseless BTB. It will start rolling along quietly enough, with the imposition of unilateral sanctions and a series of covert operations attempting to undermine the internal economic structure of the franchise. Soon enough, however, the rage of the warmongers will be unleashed – along with their specious claims of excessively spicy, chemically-and-biologically-altered pico de gallo being created in a secret basement lab and tested on innocent 6-year-olds.
Their march to war will be fully underway, and a campus will be sold on faulty intelligence and hate-filled rhetoric, leaving us hostage to our tendency to demonize any purported enemy. Effigies of avocados will be burned in the streets and humble quesadilla-makers will receive daily threats to their livelihood. Ultimately, the senseless violence that will lead to the total destruction of “the little burrito place that could” will not only be deemed a necessary evil by members of campus community – it will be called justice.
My fellow students, I come to you at a crucial moment. The traditionalist anti-burrito ideals of yesteryear have infiltrated the secret chambers of the Big Ten Conference, and the purveyors of these theories will stop at nothing to see the complete elimination of everything we hold dear. Big Ten Burrito is the sticky adhesive binding this University together, and the impending military actions threaten to rip us apart. The time to act is now.