Dear Lyle and Lisa: I seem to have lost my virginity. I”ve been looking all over the place and it hasn”t showed up anywhere. I don”t know whether it was in the Graduate Library Stacks, the Arb or the Reading Room in the Law Library, but I can”t find it anymore. What steps would you recommend I take in finding it again? It means a lot to me and I would greatly appreciate your advice in finding this lost treasure. Thanks a bunch.
Concerned Kustard from Kansas City
Lisa: I hate to tell you this, Kustard, but I”ve heard about you (and your virginity) before. Rumors are circulating around campus that your virginity was last seen hovering dangerously close to Sexy Grandpa up at Bursely as well as confidently strutting out Lee Bollinger”s front door. In fact, Brian Ellerbe is reported to have taken your virginity with him when he left the Weidenbach Hall in a tear-filled rage last week. Several B-school students, oddly enough, told me that your virginity was last seen being exploited all over the internet.
Lyle: Well, K., let me tell you that I think my usually sunny writing partner has hit the nail on the head, so let me translate for the Organizational Studies majors among us. You are an idiot, and you probably wouldn”t know what a naked person was if he/she were serving you meatloaf in the cafeteria. Your e-mail privileges should be revoked, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Dear Lyle and Lisa: Why do we allow this horseshit called “academia” to interfere with our social lives? Honestly, it”s just not right.
Rock star on Kingsley
Lisa: I personally don”t let academia interfere with my social life. The structure of our university”s social scene actually allows for work and play in equal measure if you simply plan ahead. For example, I believe there is a reason why parties usually aren”t “jumpin,” jumpin”” until 11 or 12 it”s because we intelligent, industrious Michigan students are studying diligently (and squeezing into our slut boots, party-pants and halter tops). I mean seriously, how much can a person achieve during 11 p.m. to 2 a.m.?
The key to maintaining both your GPA and your social life lies in the liberal use of caffeine, appointment books and cocaine (just kidding about that whole cocaine thing, mom!). You can also set aside a pre-determined amount of time each day for a particular subject. For example, even if you can only spare 20 minutes a day for quantum mechanics or underwater basket-weaving, if you are consistent, you will eventually accomplish something. What that “something” is I cannot say, but even if you make just one lovely, handwoven, water-resistant basket, I”d say you are in good shape.
Lyle: Ah, dear Rock, assuming that is your real name, I simply hate you and all of your ilk. People that put “academia” (and you even spelled it correctly!) after their social lives are so insanely annoying that I wish you would just go back to wherever you came from (read: New York) and leave the rest of us alone. You see, this is a SCHOOL, and those things that you talk through (usually sitting behind me) are called LECTURES. Maybe you”re not aware of this, but some people would rather listen to the professor”s lessons than you talking to your friends about your brown nail polish, the parties you will be whoring yourselves at or even the GSI that”s cute but SUCH a dork because he gave you a D+ on your essay that was two pages too short. Here”s my advice: Why don”t you quit complaining, take out those little wooden things in your Northface book bags and use the sharp end on some paper. This may shut you up and maybe you”ll learn something.