Campus activists declared victory yesterday as peace was achieved in the Middle East, Nike declared bankruptcy and cancer was eradicated.

Meanwhile, in a surprising story of failure, BAMN managed to only muster three-quarters of the means necessary to successfully defend affirmative action and fight for equality and integration.

“We thought yelling and marching around a lot would really make a difference,” said one BAMN leader, 47, who is not a student. Wait a minute, come to think of it, none of them are students!

The announcement that Israel had brokered a peace deal with the Palestinians was made last night, just hours after Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat stepped aside to allow Jewish and Arab students at the University to negotiate.

“We knew that if they just let us students try to negotiate, we”d have no problem settling this 54-year violent conflict,” said one Palestinian activist.

“We students, thousands of miles away from the actual Middle East, know far more than these political leaders with years of experience,” said an Israeli activist.

The group that managed to single-handedly destroy Nike, Students Organizing for Labor and Economic Equality, also known as SOLE, even though they should really be called SOLEE, attributed their victory to taking over enough administrative offices to make their views known.

“Taking over offices is what we do best,” said one student. “However, we will not rest until all citizens of the United States are making exactly $14.73 an hour, no matter how trivial or important their job.”

Perhaps the greatest success story of the day belonged to University Students Against Cancer, which strategically utilized cheers at football games in combination with several newspaper ads to defeat cancer.

“We have to admit, they really knew what they were doing,” said the president of the group”s campus rival, University Students In Favor Of Cancer.

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