Dear Mr. Smith: I have followed your columns with great interest since you began writing for the Weekend Etc. Magazine (it’s just Weekend now, right?). It is primarily because of our continued correspondence that I wanted to come to you first with my decision.

Zac Peskowitz

I haven’t even told Laura yet, let alone Donald Rumsfeld. He’s going to be so mad. This was his baby. But, I just can’t fend off the overwhelming will of the American minority pleading for our troops to come home from Iraq and the surrounding areas.

As a result of the vocal protesters, I’ve decided as commander in chief to pull the United States out of Operation Iraqi Freedom. Instead, we will pursue a peaceful means to solve the Iraqi conflict and allow Saddam Hussein to continue to defy the United Nations and abuse his people. Plus, this way, we can keep the French happy and we’ll keep getting imports of whatever the French send to us.

French President Jacques Chirac really took a stand back there. He really asserted France as a world superpower; he must be the second coming of Charles de Gaulle.

I’d be lying to you, Luke, if I said that I wasn’t gravely concerned with my public opinion numbers. I assume you saw the figures from this past weekend? The Pew Research Center and The New York Times/CBS showed a shift in American opinion of our action in Iraq. The Times/CBS poll (which took place over the war’s opening weekend) showed a 19-percent decline in American expectation of a quick and successful effort against Iraq.

I can’t believe that people thought this would be a quick war. When was the last quick war? If it’s quick, Luke, it isn’t a war. But I’m preaching to the choir I’m sure. The Pew Research Center poll showed Americans who believed the war was going very well peaked Friday at 71 percent. It was easy to get their support when we were just flying overhead dropping those GPS targeted bombs on military targets.

By Monday, that number had slipped to 38 percent. Of course, our numbers drop as the first U.S. casualty counts come in. Gosh, our first casualties were mid-air helicopters collisions, and I don’t even want to talk about when we shot down that British jet with a Patriot missile. But, Luke, you know that wasn’t our fault the pilot didn’t respond with the friend code and the missile launched automatically.

That’s what the Joint Chiefs told me.

Those protesters in San Francisco were really effective. I don’t mean to jump; I’m under some serious pressure here. Did you know that they arrested over 1,600 people in ‘Frisco? That’s amazing! We’ve probably taken out way more Iraqi soldiers than that already, and with virtually no casualties! But, they still protest. (Activism is stupid – Ed. Luke.)

The activists’ vigilance really shone through when they decorated themselves as if they were injured Iraqis! Did you hear about that? They dressed themselves in bandages and toilet paper and red paint, or marker, or whatever activists use for simulated blood these days to simulate the injury of the Iraqi people.

I was particularly impressed with the protesters on H Street in Washington. They ran out and laid in traffic, pretending to be dead in simulation of the streets of Iraq, which would make sense were the streets in Iraq covered with Americans laying on the ground breathing.

Luke, there are a lot of kids in the army named Oil, did you know that? Neither did I. But I keep seeing all of these “No War for Oil” signs, and it’s befuddling how many soldiers we have named Oil, and how vociferous their parents are. I originally thought about just brining all of the soldiers named Oil back, but decided just to bend to the minority will.

Anyway, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? And the protesters were squeaking pretty loud. How can I, the people’s president, rebuke such powerful and staunch displays of humanitarianism? I can’t. So I pulled out early. Iraq will just have to clean herself off with a rag or something, because we’re getting out of there, man.

Sincerely yours,


Smith can be reached at lukems@umich.edu.

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