Here at Daily Arts we’ve come to the stark conclusion that
a five- or six-hour Academy Awards ceremony simply is far, far too
short. There are just so many talents to be honored, homages to be
paid, backs to be patted and commercials to be aired.

Rather than merely whining about this horrific epidemic, like so
many within the industry, we have carefully put together a list of
additional Oscar categories, which the Academy should immediately
consider distributing to the more than deserving candidates
mentioned below. Hey, at least they’re not as worthless as
the Golden Globes.

Best Training Montage

Everyone loves the scenes in films where an inept novice or
out-of-shape underdog transforms themselves into a powerhouse
contender, all to a pumping pop soundtrack. By condensing all that
hard work into few quickly cut frames, it makes every loser feel
like they can re-invent themselves in no time and with absolutely
no effort.

Classic Example: “Rocky IV, ”(1985) —
preparing to fight Ivan Drago in the snowy mountains of Russia.

This year’s contenders: “Miracle” —
preparing to challenge the Russian Hockey Team and
“Seabiscuit” — getting the horse to run faster
for some kind of race.

Best Butchering of a Previously Respected Novel

Reading is a hard, often boring endeavor that wastes the time of
countless suckers every year. Luckily for the
“crap-the-book-report-is-due-tomorrow” junior high
school student in each of us, Hollywood has found a way to trim out
all those boring conversations, putting in much needed sex and
explosions.

Classic Example: “Catch-22,”(1970)

This Year’s Contenders: “Under the Tuscan
Sun,” “Gigli”

Best Unattractive Performance by an Ordinarily Beautiful
Actress

While their male counterparts were celebrated for playing
mentally challenged characters, in the ’90s all an actress
had to do to clinch an Oscar nod was play a prostitute. Well ugly
is the new slutty, and gorgeous starlets are hungry to show their
range by making themselves (temporally) hideous.

Classic Example: Nicole Kidman, “The
Hours”(2002)

This Year’s Contenders: Charlize Theron,
“Monster,”and Diane Keaton, “Something’s
Gotta Give”

The Orson Wells Memorial Award for Excellence in the Field of
Catering

Classic Example: Kraft Service Table on “Pink
Flamingos”(1973)

This Year’s Contenders: Graham Brothers Catering,
“School of Rock,” Quentin Tarantino’s mom,
“Kill Bill: Vol. 1.”

Most Pretentious Art-House Title

Although not necessary, we recommend putting the word
‘fog” in there to create a false sense of mystery and
dread. Mmm, artsy!

Classic Example: “Shadows and Fog”(1992)

This Year’s Contenders: “Fog of War,” “
House of Sand and Fog”

Most Superfluous Display of T&A

Many a young actress declares a willingness to bear it all if
nudity is truly required for the part, but it’s about time
the Academy recognized those actresses willing to go full frontal
no matter what’s called for by the script.

Classic Example: Jane Fonda, “On Golden
Pond”(1981)

This Year’s Contenders: Pillow fight scene, “Mona
Lisa Smile;” Bea Arthur, “Prison Sluts 4”

Best Best Boy Grip

We don’t actually know what a Best Boy Grip does on a
movie set-, but damn it if they aren’t … well the best
at it.

Classic Example: Herb Anderson, “The African
Queen”(1951)

This Year’s Contenders: John Michael Cooper, “LOTR:
Return of the King,” Corey Feldman, “Bad Boys
II”

Most Realistic Portrayal of a Talking Animal, Home Appliance
or Pastry

Classic Example: Tobacco-spiting cupcake, “Cabin
Boy,”(1994)

This Year’s Contenders: Ellen DeGeneres, “Finding
Nemo;” Renee Zelleweger, “Cold Mountain”

Best Film No One Has or Will Ever See

These films are generally held in high esteem by film scholars
and cinephiles, who although have never actually seen the picture,
read somewhere that these are fantastic pictures.

Classic Example: “The Seventh Seal,”(1957)

This Year’s Contenders: “Umm what’s its name
… the one A.O. Scott loved,” “You know the one
with the British guy and the girl from that one show.”

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