The magnanimous grail of pop-culture credibility, MTV, rolled out a pink carpet and doled out its cheap, fan-selected version of the Oscars.

Paul Wong
Seriously, someone needs to get Natalie a sandwich. Harvard is probably a tough school and all, but she needs to eat.
Courtesy of MTV
Paul Wong
Sarah Michelle gets shown her place. Rock on JB.
Courtesy of MTV

Gold embossed buckets of popcorn were handed out like dum-dums, and in most cases, handed to dumb-dumbs at the 2002 MTV Movie Awards.

Musical performances were less interesting this year than in past years, with the White Stripes turning in the only decent performance. Special thanks to Eminem for re-introducing himself to the public with another fabulously boring single.

Only on MTV can viewers watch a portly pink-haired snot-nosed brat offspring of the prince of darkness rummage her way through Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach.” Well done Kelly Osborne, the execs at MTV were very pleased with how their noses smelled after being in your mum’s bum.

In case you actually care, the winners are …

Best Male Performance – Will Smith, Ali

Best Female Performance – Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge

Best On-Screen Team – Vin Deisel and Paul Walker, The Fast and the Furious

Best Villain – Denzel Washington, Training Day

Best Comedic Performance – Reese Witherspoon, Leagally Blonde

Best Musical Performance – Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor, Moulin Rouge

Best Kiss – Jason Biggs and Seann Williams Scott, American Pie 2

Best Action Sequence – The Attack Scene, Pearl Harbor

Best Fight – Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan, Rush Hour 2

Breakthrough Male – Orlando Bloom, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Breakthrough Female – Mandy Moore, A Walk to Remember

Best Movie – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Awards like these make me wonder if the general population of the entire world is getting dumber. Breakthrough Female Mandy Moore? I’m sorry, she’s a femme fatale alright, but as long as Naomi Watts has life and breath, this is a sham. And Pearl Harbor? Pearl Harbor? Are you joking? Hail MTV.

– Luke Smith, Daily Arts Editor

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