Yes, the same guy who has been known to stand outside of frat houses screaming, “Hey, guys, I have money, so can I be your friend?” is giving you, especially the freshmen, a list of frat parties that I attended when I was a first year student.
The truth is, they’re not all bad. Some are, and though I won’t advocate joining any of these frats, getting to know the guys and going to a few events can be beneficial to any incoming student.
In the next few weeks, I urge young people to take advantage of the fact that frats are letting everyone into their house this time of year. And if you’re going to talk about how much you hate frat parties, at least know from experience.
Sigma Phi Epsilon
Some idiot decided to spray-paint their bathroom during the party. The party was shut down and the brothers went on the search for the perpetrator. Naturally, they thought it was me, because my Operation Ivy sweatshirt made me stick out like a sore thumb. They agreed if they couldn’t find spray-paint on my body they’d let me go. I’ve gone though less thorough searches at the airport with three-day stubble and camouflage pants.
I think they caught on that I wasn’t supposed to be at the party when I tried to leave with a case a beer and some Raman noodles. My pilferage was unsuccessful, as was my attempt to see if the rest of the party was any good. They get extra points because I’m almost positive the bouncer that tossed me out was the guy from CHiPs.
Delta Kappa Epsilon
No girls, no beer. And I’ve seen crack houses in the South Bronx that are more sanitary than that house. Don’t ask why I’ve been to crack houses in the South Bronx.
Doorman: You have to be Greek to get in.
Ari: I’m Greek.
Doorman: What frat are you in?
Ari: No, I mean I’m from Greece, dummy.
Doorman: So you’re not in a frat?
Doorman: Then get the fuck out.
The party looked OK from where I was standing. And for the record, I, nor anyone in my family, is actually from Greece.
Pi Kappa Phi
“That’s grade inflation!” my colleagues tell me, “a complete disrespect of the integrity of the Frat Party Review.” Despite the fact that the Shakers had a better idea of fun than these guys, they’ve earned a little extra credit. “That much?” they ask me. Well, no one can deny the fact that white (and I mean paper white) sorority girls from Grosse Point and Jersey singing “It’s a hard knock life,” complete with flashing gang signs, is just way too entertaining for me to not give this house a good grade.
Pi Kappa Psi
Yeah, they were pretty pissed off at first when one of the brothers caught me walking up the fire escape and trying to come in through the window. I thought I was done for until I gave them the old “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m a pledge and I was sent on a mission by my frat to burn down our rivals PSI Kappa PI. I’m so confused.” Such understanding people. Alarmed, yet forgiving.
My friend who I went with thought I could come in, but apparently they allowed in the girls from her sorority (and girls in general) only. This was right around the time frats around the country were getting busted for possession of GHB.
But don’t worry; University frat boys went to an IFC lecture on why date rape is bad last year. Congratulations, boys, you earn my respect for an hour.
Due to the recent death of one of the members, they may not be having activities any time soon, but in the past, anything they’ve done has been more than decent. Live bands and pretty normal, unfratty people. They lose a point because one the brothers shoved me into a wall. I would have normally taken off more, but I deserved it.
Alpha Epsilon Pi
I don’t know if these guys even have parties. They shot a pledge in the junk with a BB gun several years ago, that’s all I know. That alone makes me too scared to go. I never even found out where the house is. I’d like to keep it that way.
It was the night of Hash Bash 2001. There was a guy there, probably 6 foot 7 and 250 pounds get in everyone’s face, and he had a midget sidekick adding “yeah” and “that’s right, bitch.” It was by far the coolest thing I’ve ever witnessed. “What about the fall of the Berlin Wall, Ari??” Nope, this was much cooler.
Grade: This frat is not yet rated
There’s a rumor going around that this house shut down. Well, it’s only temporary, for I plan to seize its reins and use it to expand my empire. Today, a frat house in Ann Arbor, tomorrow, the world.
– Ari Paul can be reached at email@example.com.