Back when J. Edgar Hoover, that infallible defender of our constitutional rights, was playing dictator and spying on Americans as head of the FBI (not unlike the NSA), The Michigan Daily’s editorial page handed out the Edgar Awards annually to individuals and institutions best embodying his many admirable characteristics. Of necessity, we revived the tradition in recent years.

And so, without further ado and to the delight of those smart enough to get our super awesome jokes, we present the 11th annual Edgar Awards:

In an unprecedented three-peat, the Miley Cyrus “We Can’t Stop” Award goes to the Central Student Government presidential election for its candidates who were unable to stop suing the crap out of each other. They can’t stop! The CSG presidential candidates have shown tremendous consistency by suing each other in three straight elections. And they won’t stop! And so, for an unparalleled show of dependable comedic excellence, we award CSG its third Edgar award in three years. Truly amazing to snatch up a majority of … er plurality … no, majority … uh, all of the awards. It’s their party, they can sue who they want to!

The Heathcare.gov Award goes to sophomore forward Mitch McGary for breaking down when he was needed most. Michigan basketball was ranked seventh in the AP rankings at the start of the men’s hoops season, McGary and sophomore guard Nik Stauskas were poised to carry on in Trey Burke’s absence. Then McGary’s back took a big poop and let down millions of people across the country, condemning them to fandom death. Just like when the broken healthcare website condemned millions of people to actual death. Not really, but both were sad.

The “Drunk in Love” Award goes to Mary Sue Coleman for her heavily slurred and relatively incoherent halftime speech during the Michigan-Nebraska football game. This was obviously due to technical difficulties, yeah let’s go with technical difficulties … yeah definitely technical difficulties … because technology is hard.

After being arrested for a DUI, Justin Bieber gave a deposition worthy of a two-year-old brat. “I don’t recall” became a frequently used phrase as Bieber forgot simple life facts, like whether or not he had been to Australia. So our Justin Bieber Amnesia Award goes to Stephen M. Ross for forgetting that the Business school is already named after him, and thus continuing to donate hundreds of millions of dollars to the school. Here’s to the Stephen M. Ross Stephen M. Ross School of Business!

The “How I Met Your Mother” series finale Award goes to the graduating seniors. Because though we’d all love to believe in happy fairytale endings, our most realistic and most likely destiny after college is to hastily get married, then get divorced, then get pregnant and then finally grow up at the sight of our illegitimate love child. Well, that might be a bit dramatic, but we’ll probably get divorced — half of us do.

Walter White’s Heisenberg ‘SAY MY NAME!’ Award goes to the University’s new President-elect, Mark Shlizzel … uh, Slissel … Schlesselle … um … whatever.

Finally, we’d like to award ourselves — The Michigan Daily Editorial BoardThe Polar Vortex Award for being a bunch of freezing, ice cold-hearted idiots hated by everyone who was stuck inside and bored enough to pay attention to what we were saying. Boy, that was one rough winter semester.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.