Facebook is not perfect: The site suggests I befriend ex-friends; tailors commercial advertisements to an audience far more conservative and denture-inclined than me; and once mistagged me for a distant uncle. But hashtags, Zuckerberg? You’ve gone too far this time. #DoNotWant

In a recent report, The Wall Street Journal hinted that Facebook may soon hitch itself to Twitter’s hashtag bandwagon, allowing users to further drag cyberspace into the pits of unnecessarily tagged #hell.

Am I being dramatic? #SorryNotSorry

See? I’ve employed three hashtags within 80 words and, already, you wince. Did the joke get too old too soon? Are you frustrated by my lack of spacing? At what age did you realize that punctuation is prohibited, and you just can’t tag a smiley face?

The hashtag is not what it once was — or maybe it is, and we’ve just ripped it from its original purpose of ironic amusement. But its system of classification — of compiling and connecting related bits of information and eager Internet users — allowed a (perhaps false) sense of curatorship. We could assign labels to our 140-character thoughts, assort Tumblr rants with the simple addition of a “personal” tag and virtually collect pieces of information relevant to any subject with one easy click. Life was simple, hashtags were sparse and friends were less tempted to block you. Probably.

But times have changed, and I unfollowed you three months ago. #SorryNot … You get it.

The hashtag has lost its significance. It’s wrung dry, plastered in packs in your Instagram caption. Posting a picture of you and your one-and-only? Don’t forget to hashtag the following (and, yes, all are 100-percent necessary): #Couple #Love #Kissing #LoveYou #Boyfriend #Sexy #Food #Happy #Baby #SoInLove #ImBetterThanYou

If not for the sake of your schmoozy overindulgence, the hashtag can also act as a side thought. Computer-mediated communication seems to have caused a complete inability to decipher one’s textual tone. How serious, sarcastic, friendly or flirty was that message? Does your Twitter audience understand dry humor? Have no fear — the hashtag is, I guess, here. It’s like the medium through which the implicit becomes explicit, and it may or may not have saved a few social lives. Thank you, hashtag. But still, your service is not needed, or welcome, on Facebook.

Its use has further evolved, as friend after friend has responded to my question — “What do you use hashtags for?” — with the same answer: It’s a joke. Our hashtags are mere irony slapped onto the ends of text messages and tweets with sarcasm. Because, c’mon, you don’t take hashtags seriously — does anyone, these days?

Maybe not, but Facebook seems to want you to. Zuckerberg, I’m already this close to jumping ship — another onslaught of hashtags may just hurl me over the edge. And to where do you expect me to doggie-paddle to safety? The “new” Myspace? Google+? #lol #no

Facebook may not be perfect, but the ways in which it distinguishes itself from the slew of social networking sites are why we even still use it. Why use Facebook if Twitter offers the same experience, only simpler? Why use Facebook if it only adopts the worst aspects of other sites? Why use Facebook? You won’t.

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