“I try to let you pussy niggas eat / It’s time to put you pussy boys to sleep”

Rick Ross attempts to be generous in helping some unfortunate peers by “letting them eat,” but alas, they don’t want his help; now it’s time for them to die. Are you sure you weren’t just blocking the buffet line, Rozay? And can you imagine what kind of babysitter he would be? “LISTEN UP. IMMA READ Y’ALL SOME GOODNIGHT MOON AND THEN IT’S TIME TO PUT YOU PUSSY BOYS TO SLEEP.” Who needs Fran Drescher when you got Ross?

“I smell a pussy from a block away”

There are two ways to interpret this incredible dictum. First, Ross is such a predator (just look at how big he is!) that can he smell his feeble prey from a block away. Second, The Bo$$’s nose game is so strong, or some hoodrat smells so bad, that he can actually sniff out her love box from a far distance. For the sake of the already dismal standard of hygiene in this country, I pray it’s the former.

“They wanna see a nigga in a cage / Baby mama garnishing a ni**a wage”

Garnishing? Wage? Since when does The Bo$$ speak in Victorian English? I understand the difficulty of finding a word that rhymes with “cage,” but garnishing? That is one of the least gangsta words of all time, and it’s only more ridiculous considering it’s in the same phrase as “baby mama.” Got to love America. The only time Rick Ross should use the word “garnish” is when he’s referencing the truffle salt he puts on his steak.

“I went and got my bitch her very own salon”

If you’re lucky enough to be Ross’s woman, he won’t just pay for you to go to the salon. No. He’ll buy you a salon of your own. Just a thought: Is Rozay’s girl qualified to run a salon? I mean, she’d have to hire stylists and do taxes and abide by health regulations … I think I need to take what rappers say less literally.

“I made a killing milkin’ Okeechobee / I’m talkin’ millions with that okey dokey”

This might be my favorite geographical song reference since Cam’Ron shouted out Siam on “Wet Wipes.” Lake Okeechobee is a region in Florida where, it seems, Rozay made some money dealing drugs. Hmm … now what rhymes with Okeechobee? But of course! Okey Dokey! Really? That has nothing to do with selling drugs! Okey Dokey? When did Rick Ross turn into Ned Flanders? I just can’t understand this. Maybe Rozay is a literary genius and I simply can’t process the depth of his rhetoric. Come to think of it, that must be the case, because no one would write something this ridiculous, right? Right?

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