… im on acid i feel like we live in a snowglobe wouldnt it be nice if we could just walk outside and it was nice out its sad living in a snowglobe but also kind of pretty were in a car ive been awake for like two days but im ok with it time moves really slowly when you think about it but like im not thinking about it so its actually going pretty fast my hair feels really nice were at the movie theater id rather see hot tub time machine a hot tub sounds nice vry warm especially a time hot tub everything makes so much sense were in the movie theater were sitting at the front there are ppl i dont know i feel like we could be friends were all here to do the same thing its pretty groovy the movie started i like the girls shirt its got a lot of patterns i like patterns shes really bad at doing interviews but thats ok im an english major too but i like ezra pound more did u know ezra pound is a really handsome guy more handsome than the gray guy i think but hes not in a movie i feel like everyone is using a lot of words in this movie but nobody is saying anything shit thats life man i just got sad i cried a little bit but it felt good theyre gonna have sex now i saw nymphomaniac it was pretty much the same thing but better why wont the gray man just sit still for a minute he keeps walking around everyone is sad they should be happy they have such a nice house and hes really good at piano i play piano too are we the same guy im pretty sure im into bondage too im crying again the girl next to me is asleep i wish i could fall asleep theyre in a plane the movie ended someone said this is about vampires remember interview with a vampire i really like brad pitt also tree of life and mr and mrs smith …

-Daily Arts Writer


I’ll admit this right off the bat: I read the book before seeing the film. I’ll also admit this: I passed out twice in the theater. Does that say something about the movie? What was 125 minutes felt like an eternity. Lemme break it down.

Firstly, I need to speak to whoever adapted this screenplay. Who are you? The innuendos, the symbolism – I don’t think I stopped to breathe, I was laughing so hard. Where is the best comedy nomination for this? It tickled me more than Christian tickled Ana. Maybe this is a testament to my maturity. Each time Christian held out his hand and told Ana to “come” – when he whipped out the pea(cock) feather during a serious, steamy session – I just couldn’t keep it in (the laughter, I mean).

Anyway, the film just tried too hard (haha) to be sophisticated and hyper-artistic. “Fifty Shades” needs to accept that it will never be an Academy-worthy film, and it doesn’t need to be such a drama queen about it. The dialogue, the delivery, the juxtaposition of dark and light – everything dripped with drama and desperate symbolism. Every glare pierced through our souls, every touch brought shivers down our spines. I died lactose intolerant from the amount of cheese in this film.

-Daily Arts Writer


What’s the opposite of a sexual awakening? Sexual deadening? Sexual closing? All I know is that, after driving through an arctic tundra on Valentine’s Day afternoon and maneuvering my place in line so I could say “uh, same thing please” to the ticket-seller instead of “uh, the movie with all the weird sex, please,” “Fifty Shades” seemed like it was going to be the fun kind of trashy. That was for the first 20 minutes. Then they had to start having sex, and things got so absurdly dull that Buzzed fell asleep in one of the (admittedly very comfortable, if a bit squeaky) theater seats next to me. While the fact that Dakota Johnson fully actualizes a character who is literally Bella Swan with an English degree is quite admirable, Jamie Dornan’s robotic Edward Cullen somnambulates through his scenes and does little more than moodily play the piano and stare at Johnson’s butt while she dances to “Beast of Burden.” The most intriguing thing about him isn’t the burn marks on his chest, but rather how the hell he’s so freakishly clean-shaven (maybe androids can’t grow hair). Why is he tickling her so much? Why are the sex scenes so male gaze-y? Can I call in a friend with no journalism experience when I can’t do an interview? (Ignore that last one, Jen.) Those were all my questions, but the film’s only salient question was asked by Johnson about two-thirds in: “What are butt plugs?” If this is the sex adults dream of, I’m fine with never getting past first base again.

-Adam Theisen

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