This image is from the official trailer for “Arrested Development” season 5, part 2, distributed by Netflix.

The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Michigan Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.

Season 1 Episode 1

Baked 2: Can someone give me a blurb about this?

Baked 1: If you give me 39 cents

Buzzed 1: I like how you have no idea what you’re in for 

Buzzed 1: Are you guys subtitles people are not?

Collective: Yes 

Buzzed 1: Is [Jason Bateman] hot, yes or no?

Collective, resoundingly: No 

Buzzed 1: What is comedy’s obsession with boats?

Baked 1: They’re little things that float on the water! I get that.

Baked 2: Ah the concept of buoyancy 

Baked 1: As a word, buoyancy is great 

(at the scene where Lucille says “I love all of my children equally.” (later that day) “I don’t care for Gob.”)


Buzzed 1: There are so many memes from this show 

Baked 2: This is the meme where they replace the “I don’t care for Gob” with a bunch of other things.

Collective: You’re just explaining how memes work.

Buzzed 1, referring to Portia de Rossi: Oh, she’s married to Ellen!! 

Bored 1: That’s Ellen’s wife??? I thought Ellen made her up 

Baked 1: Put that on the transcript right now 

Buzzed 1: The cousin incest… is just terrible 

Baked 1: What the fuck is happening

(later): I’m so uncomfortable

Buzzed 1: I dated a man because he sent me an “It’s Always Sunny” meme saying “can I offer you an egg in this trying time” 

Baked 2: That’s your parameter?

Baked 1: It’s David Cross!


Baked 1: You all have the tiny computer!! 

Buzzed 1: Yes that is David Cross 

Baked 1: You kept that from me all this time?? Where is the reap that you sow!?

Buzzed 1: So we don’t think he’s cute at all?

Collective: No 

Buzzed 1: It’s the angles though!

Bored 1: If a guy is cute from a ¾ profile, but ugly straight on, then he’s just ugly.

Buzzed 1: Magicians are just inherently funny. boats. magicians. this show has it all 

Baked 2, in reference to Michael Cera: He kind of looks like Michael Cera, if he wasn’t ugly.

Baked 1: Is that a 12 year old Michael Cera?

Buzzed 1: That IS Michael Cera!

Baked 2: Even as a child Michael Cera creeps me out

Baked 2: IS THAT A DURAG?? Isn’t he bald??

Buzzed 1: He is SO BALD

Season 1 Episode 2

Buzzed 1: hot?

collective: NO

Buzzed 1: I’ll stop saying that. 


Baked 2: This is a meme! 

Buzzed 1: He’s hot!

Okay I’ll stop.

Baked 1: I hate this narration. 

(later, at another instance of narration)


Bored 2: That’s a child! He can’t be manager!

Buzzed 1: I think I’d do well in jail.

Bored 2: Why does he talk like that? 

Baked 2: (in impersonation of Will Arnett) MiChAeL. 

Baked 1: That was terrible 

Baked 2: He sounds like a bad impersonation of Batman.


Baked 2: Find a job for gob!

Buzzed 1: If you ride a segway you’re going to hell.

Baked 2: Oh there was LITERALLY money in the banana stand!

Buzzed 1: Jesus 

(during the credits)

Buzzed 1: Who is John Beard?

Baked 1: The guy on the tractors 

Buzzed 1: …Thats John Deere

Baked 1: Is that not what you said?

Season 1 Episode 3

Buzzed 1: We should say a bunch of curse words so it’s redacted in the transcript

fucking bitch ass bitch

Bored 2: I’m not redacting that 

Baked 2: It sounds like you just learned what curse words are.

Buzzed 1: Fine, fine, okay. Penis. You’re gonna print that? I dare you. 

Baked 1: I absolutely guarantee that The Michigan Daily has printed that before.

(Baked 1 sends several instances The Michigan Daily has printed “penis” into the group chat)

(Lindsey is wearing a color coordinated outfit with a newscap.)

Buzzed 1: I kinda fuck with her outfit.

Baked 2: Yeah I like the hat.

Buzzed 1: I love the way this is filmed. It’s like nasty, but they’re nasty.

Buzzed 1: If you asked me what the last two episodes were about I couldn’t tell you.

Bored 2: The banana stand! 

Buzzed 1: Ah that’s right 

Baked 2: Is Michael the only one who isn’t balding?

(Gob is putting slices of bread through a paper shredder.)

Baked 2: He’s shredding bread??

Baked 1: Isn’t that we all do? Shred bread? … Like with our mouths?

Collective: (discordant expressions of disgust)

Baked 2, loudly at the TV: Come on, snake!

Buzzed 1: You narc! 

Season 1 Episode 4

Bored 1: Isn’t Buster Arthur’s friend?

Collective: Yes, the rabbit 

Buzzed 1: They have matching slippers of each other 

Bored 1: [Buster] kind of looks like him, too.

Buzzed 1: What if we just gave each other TV nicknames that were just completely out of pocket like “Smelly feet [Buzzed 1]”

Buzzed 1: This is like a Shakespearean tragedy.

Baked 1: This was genuinely awful 

Buzzed 1: I love this show! 

Buzzed 1: Let’s reflect on what we’re seen so far. 

Baked 2: Do we have to?

Buzzed 1: But I’m obsessed.

Buzzed 1: You know, sometimes you’ll be watching a movie and you just feel whatever about it. But when you watch something so viscerally disgusting? It’s kind of impressive 

TV’s rating of Arrested Development:

Baked 1: 1.3/10

Buzzed 1: 10/10

“The intention was to make us feel uncomfortable. And we were. So fuck all of you.”

Baked 2: 3/10

Bored 1: 4/10

“I chuckled.“

Bored 2: 3.5/10

TV tags themselves:

Buzzed 1: Okay tag yourselves 

Bored 1 is George sr because she’s in charge of everything behind the scenes 

Bored 2 is ellen’s wife because she spends all her money but has no job 

Baked 2 is michael cera because she is always trying really hard to no avail, but she’s not as creepy 

Buzzed 1 is tobias because she thoroughly enjoys crying in the shower

Baked 1 is the mom because she is the glue that holds this family together 

Buzzed 1: Guys, it’s so funny when things are terrible 

Baked 2: There’s a limit

Buzzed 1: But there’s something to relate about it! At least we’re not that terrible.

Baked 2: At least we’re not Gob

Buzzed 1: Or incestuous