The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Michigan Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.
Season 1 Episode 1
Baked 2: Can someone give me a blurb about this?
Baked 1: If you give me 39 cents
Buzzed 1: I like how you have no idea what you’re in for
Buzzed 1: Are you guys subtitles people are not?
Buzzed 1: Is [Jason Bateman] hot, yes or no?
Collective, resoundingly: No
Buzzed 1: What is comedy’s obsession with boats?
Baked 1: They’re little things that float on the water! I get that.
Baked 2: Ah the concept of buoyancy
Baked 1: As a word, buoyancy is great
(at the scene where Lucille says “I love all of my children equally.” (later that day) “I don’t care for Gob.”)
Baked 2: I’VE SEEN THIS MEME!
Buzzed 1: There are so many memes from this show
Baked 2: This is the meme where they replace the “I don’t care for Gob” with a bunch of other things.
Collective: You’re just explaining how memes work.
Buzzed 1, referring to Portia de Rossi: Oh, she’s married to Ellen!!
Bored 1: That’s Ellen’s wife??? I thought Ellen made her up
Baked 1: Put that on the transcript right now
Buzzed 1: The cousin incest… is just terrible
Baked 1: What the fuck is happening
(later): I’m so uncomfortable
Buzzed 1: I dated a man because he sent me an “It’s Always Sunny” meme saying “can I offer you an egg in this trying time”
Baked 2: That’s your parameter?
Baked 1: It’s David Cross!
Bored 2: WHO IS DAVID CROSS
Baked 1: You all have the tiny computer!!
Buzzed 1: Yes that is David Cross
Baked 1: You kept that from me all this time?? Where is the reap that you sow!?
Buzzed 1: So we don’t think he’s cute at all?
Buzzed 1: It’s the angles though!
Bored 1: If a guy is cute from a ¾ profile, but ugly straight on, then he’s just ugly.
Buzzed 1: Magicians are just inherently funny. boats. magicians. this show has it all
Baked 2, in reference to Michael Cera: He kind of looks like Michael Cera, if he wasn’t ugly.
Baked 1: Is that a 12 year old Michael Cera?
Buzzed 1: That IS Michael Cera!
Baked 2: Even as a child Michael Cera creeps me out
Baked 2: IS THAT A DURAG?? Isn’t he bald??
Buzzed 1: He is SO BALD
Season 1 Episode 2
Buzzed 1: hot?
Buzzed 1: I’ll stop saying that.
Buzzed 1: HES HOT RIGHT THERE!!
Baked 2: This is a meme!
Buzzed 1: He’s hot!
Okay I’ll stop.
Baked 1: I hate this narration.
(later, at another instance of narration)
Baked 1: LAZY STORYTELLING!
Bored 2: That’s a child! He can’t be manager!
Buzzed 1: I think I’d do well in jail.
Bored 2: Why does he talk like that?
Baked 2: (in impersonation of Will Arnett) MiChAeL.
Baked 1: That was terrible
Baked 2: He sounds like a bad impersonation of Batman.
Bored 2: HE WAS BATMAN IN “THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE”
Baked 2: Find a job for gob!
Buzzed 1: If you ride a segway you’re going to hell.
Baked 2: Oh there was LITERALLY money in the banana stand!
Buzzed 1: Jesus
(during the credits)
Buzzed 1: Who is John Beard?
Baked 1: The guy on the tractors
Buzzed 1: …Thats John Deere
Baked 1: Is that not what you said?
Season 1 Episode 3
Buzzed 1: We should say a bunch of curse words so it’s redacted in the transcript
fucking bitch ass bitch
Bored 2: I’m not redacting that
Baked 2: It sounds like you just learned what curse words are.
Buzzed 1: Fine, fine, okay. Penis. You’re gonna print that? I dare you.
Baked 1: I absolutely guarantee that The Michigan Daily has printed that before.
(Baked 1 sends several instances The Michigan Daily has printed “penis” into the group chat)
(Lindsey is wearing a color coordinated outfit with a newscap.)
Buzzed 1: I kinda fuck with her outfit.
Baked 2: Yeah I like the hat.
Buzzed 1: I love the way this is filmed. It’s like nasty, but they’re nasty.
Buzzed 1: If you asked me what the last two episodes were about I couldn’t tell you.
Bored 2: The banana stand!
Buzzed 1: Ah that’s right
Baked 2: Is Michael the only one who isn’t balding?
(Gob is putting slices of bread through a paper shredder.)
Baked 2: He’s shredding bread??
Baked 1: Isn’t that we all do? Shred bread? … Like with our mouths?
Collective: (discordant expressions of disgust)
Baked 2, loudly at the TV: Come on, snake!
Buzzed 1: You narc!
Season 1 Episode 4
Bored 1: Isn’t Buster Arthur’s friend?
Collective: Yes, the rabbit
Buzzed 1: They have matching slippers of each other
Bored 1: [Buster] kind of looks like him, too.
Buzzed 1: What if we just gave each other TV nicknames that were just completely out of pocket like “Smelly feet [Buzzed 1]”
Buzzed 1: This is like a Shakespearean tragedy.
Baked 1: This was genuinely awful
Buzzed 1: I love this show!
Buzzed 1: Let’s reflect on what we’re seen so far.
Baked 2: Do we have to?
Buzzed 1: But I’m obsessed.
Buzzed 1: You know, sometimes you’ll be watching a movie and you just feel whatever about it. But when you watch something so viscerally disgusting? It’s kind of impressive
TV’s rating of Arrested Development:
Baked 1: 1.3/10
Buzzed 1: 10/10
“The intention was to make us feel uncomfortable. And we were. So fuck all of you.”
Baked 2: 3/10
Bored 1: 4/10
Bored 2: 3.5/10
TV tags themselves:
Buzzed 1: Okay tag yourselves
Bored 1 is George sr because she’s in charge of everything behind the scenes
Bored 2 is ellen’s wife because she spends all her money but has no job
Baked 2 is michael cera because she is always trying really hard to no avail, but she’s not as creepy
Buzzed 1 is tobias because she thoroughly enjoys crying in the shower
Baked 1 is the mom because she is the glue that holds this family together
Buzzed 1: Guys, it’s so funny when things are terrible
Baked 2: There’s a limit
Buzzed 1: But there’s something to relate about it! At least we’re not that terrible.
Baked 2: At least we’re not Gob
Buzzed 1: Or incestuous