There exists a male fantasy of the low-maintenance girlfriend — recently, she’s been known as the Cool Girl. She doesn’t need you to text her ever and never causes “drama” (AKA calling you out on your own bullshit). She also loves eating triple bacon cheeseburgers, while staying skinny and hot and giving you blow jobs. You can text her at 2 a.m. after smoking with your friends all night to hook up — and she’ll come over! Then you can ignore her for a week, or you can watch the game with her or some other boring activity she’ll purportedly enjoy. It doesn’t matter, she’s chill and cool with anything. She’s essentially you and your friends but in the body of a really sexy girl.
Many recent think pieces have denounced and made fun of the idea of the Cool Girl — but even more advice columns by men and women alike have praised it. It’s been established that the Cool Girl trope forces women to mold their personalities and needs to what men want, but the idea of being universally attractive to men or having a girlfriend who requires literally no effort remains enticing. Herewith, a guide on how to find a Cool Girl:
1. Identify what you want in your low-maintenance relationship. Have you ever found yourself saying you “hate girls” or find them “too complicated?” Sick of having to listen and empathize with women? Unsure of how to make a girl orgasm? You might be a good candidate for dating a Cool Girl. Low-maintenance is a great idea for cars, pets and apartments. And now, you want to stretch the concept to humans. Excellent! Trolling Skeeps for women is getting exhausting. You want female company that’s a little more constant and predictable, but you also don’t want someone who, like, challenges your opinions or calls you out on being an ass.
2. Now, let’s find her. There are several variations of this girl whose existence is solely for your benefit, and thus a few different places you might find her. Luckily, she has all of your exact interests so you don’t really have to go somewhere new or change your behavior at all to meet her. Maybe you like the one who eats wings with you while watching the game — she’s at Charley’s or Blue Lep. Maybe you like the one who doesn’t wear makeup and hikes and frolics in the mud, but still manages to be a beautiful fairy. Try the Arb. The bottom line is, this girl is “not like all the other girls” (even though girls are awesome and it’s just you who sucks).
3. Approach her. She’s ~chill~ so she doesn’t need a major conversation starter. Try coughing on her. And, unlike those other fucking teases, she sees what a nice guy you are and the most basic polite gesture really makes her swoon. Buy her a $1 well drink at Rick’s, and you’re in. If only all girls saw what a generous person you are.
4. Your first date: coffee is fine. You obviously don’t have to pay for her, despite the fact that you asked her out. And, wow, she doesn’t even get one of those girly frappuccinos! Having sugar in your caffeinated beverage is such a disgustingly female trait, but she’s a Cool Girl and manages to contort her behavior to act masculine in every way. Or she drinks beer. Or burgers! She’ll eat burgers! Nothing worse than a girl who eats a salad. (Somehow she looks like she only eats salad though. You do not want someone who looks like you, who lives off Jimmy John’s glopped with mayonnaise and barbecue chips. Also, just saying, her internal organs are not going to be chill in a few decades if she really never eats vegetables.)
5. Wow, that was easy! You’re dating now, or whatever. Get ready for months of … doing exactly what you were doing anyways, but with a female and with more sex. Eating pizza, with a female. Talking about poop, but with a female. Sex is so easy and fun too. She likes everything you like! She never needs to orgasm! She loves giving head! You love when your sexual partners reaffirm everything you watched in porn! She never causes fights or seems upset about anything, ever. She doesn’t care about the relationship’s label or anything because she’s so low-key. This is great, because you really just want a woman who has a sack of rice in lieu of a brain.
I hope this helped you in your low-maintenance girl endeavors. If you cannot find a girl who meets your criteria, try your male friend (who also does not wear makeup and consumes pizza) or your left hand.