Six ways to apologize for starting your column with a listicle

Sunday, January 3, 2016 - 4:39pm

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Illustration by Emilie Farrugia

 

Hello, my name is Mike Flynn. The kind folks at The Michigan Daily have asked me to write a humor column, presumably because they’ve heard my Chewbacca impression and concluded that I must be pretty funny. As excited as I am to embark on this columnal endeavor, I must admit that the process of coming up with ideas for the inaugural article has been as fraught with difficulty as this sentence is with overly complicated words. After trying several things that failed to ignite a comedic fire, I’ve surrendered myself to the same conclusion that has birthed countless C+ papers: “I just need to get this done.” As such, I’ve decided to write this first article for my column in the form of a listicle.

There are some who decry the listicle as a simple medium that requires little effort and diminishes the integrity of journalism. While I would normally try to defend the listicle’s merits, of which I can count at least three, I recognize that such an attempt would be futile, given that most readers of the Daily probably hate listicles. So, in place of an impassioned defense of the medium, I will provide a heartfelt apology. As a matter of fact, I’ll provide a list of six distinct types of apologies, in order to give aspiring columnists something to go off if and when they find themselves in this same predicament.

1. Denial

I can personally guarantee that this article is in no way representative of the quality of future entries in this column. There will be no more listicles from me. I’ll write articles in every form besides listicles! Come to think of it, that’d be a cool listicle. “20 types of articles that aren’t listicles…”

2. Anger

So what if this is a listicle?! Listicles are a perfectly legitimate medium! You know, the people who discount listicles are the same kinds of people who discounted young adult literature, or the recent renaissance of Justin Bieber. Don’t try to stifle me! All art is valuable, motherfuckers!

3. Bargaining

I’m sorry I yelled. It was in the heat of the moment. None of you are motherfuckers. Here, what can I do to make it up to you? I’ll do the Chewbacca impression again! “RrrrrrrrrRRrRRrrRRRRrrrrRRRrrrr!” Jesus, how do you type a Chewbacca noise? Is it just R’s? Are there vowels?

4. Depression

This sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t funny. My career at the Daily is over. I totally understand. This sucks. I’m so sorry. This isn’t funny. This sucks. This sucks. Forgive me.

5. Acceptance

You know what, it is what it is. I’ve set out to write a humor column, and there’s some humor in this article. There are some good lines. Some people will probably chuckle. And soon the column will become so popular and beloved that people will look at this article and chuckle at their obliviousness to the quality humor that was to come.

6. Uhhh…

Well, I guess I’ve run out of apology steam. I’ve completely forgiven myself. Laughter really is the best medicine, isn’t it? Ha! Haha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!