Tweets of the week no. 5
I wrote an entire essay in satire but a guy editing it for me didn’t get it and pulled me aside to tell me he was a Republican too...
— john decker (@_johndecker) October 20, 2017
*at an interview*
Interviewer: Do you have a résumé?
Me: Bitch have you seen my Instagram?
— Ellis Hyman (@ellishyman) October 20, 2017
“Detroit, lemme hear y’all make some noise!”
First of all, this is Auburn Hills.
— chombo (@jaireidk) October 17, 2017
Me: I used to get joy from twitter but now it makes me upset.
Therapist: what if you just didn’t use it anymore?
Me: not sure I understand
— Caroline Moss (@socarolinesays) October 16, 2017
The plan, according to Patrick Beverly: Get in Lonzo's Ass
— Stephen A Smith (@stephenasmith) October 20, 2017
women love it when after standing still for three seconds you stretch or tap the dirt off your boots with your sword or something
— the dog falls asleep with its head on your foot (@neonwario) October 19, 2017
The Da Vinci Load
— nicktopath traveler (@JucheMane) October 17, 2017
my mom just tried to brush cat hair off my stomach and she smacked my nuts HARD
— Stavros Halkias (@stavvybaby) October 21, 2017
I hate people who have to take a huge shit
— josh 'Letterman' (oldfriend99) (@oldfriend99) August 10, 2017
— Nabeel Chollampat, Senior Arts Editor
Find sum cheeks tonight. Respect those cheeks. Honor thy cheeks. Savor those cheeks. shoot, let those cheeks clap! but only on cheeks terms.
— Mitchy (@mitchelmusso) October 22, 2017
fuck clout we not using that word anymore we saying clit now
— alex smith (@mineifiwildout) October 18, 2017
— Carly Snider, Senior Arts Editor
Social media has ruined socialism...
— Ja Rule (@Ruleyork) October 17, 2017
I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart. I’d like to take this chance and apologize. To absolutely nobody!
I do wtf I want!!!!
— Mitchy (@mitchelmusso) October 19, 2017
Saquon Barkley, 69-yard touchdown. Nice for everyone here but Michigan.
— Orion Sang (@orion_sang) October 21, 2017
— Madeleine Gaudin, Senior Arts Editor
Missed connections: you were at the weird al show. I was the guy who leaned over to say "no wonder they call him weird al" after every song
— Alex Nichols (@Lowenaffchen) July 27, 2013
— Anay Katyal, Managing Arts Editor