Becky Portman: Things to do instead of watching ‘Valentine’s Day’ on Valentine’s Day

Sunday, February 10, 2019 - 8:26pm

"Valentine's Day"

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Valentine’s Day is a day invented by the capitalist patriarchy to ensure single girls feel sad and alone one day a year. Well — news flash — we always feel sad and alone. I know it is tempting, but please, for the sake of humanity do not watch the movie “Valentine’s Day” this Valentine’s Day. On the surface it seems apropos, I mean the movie is basically instructing you when and how to watch it. When being on Valentine’s Day and how is by yourself and buried in Hershey Kisses wrappers. But really there is no good time to watch “Valentine’s Day” because it is the worst. It was the first and last time Taylor Swift was ever in a movie because “The Giver” does not count. But it was also how a) Taylor met Taylor (Lautner) and started their Taylor-filled Taylor-multuous relationship and b) gave us the ballad that is “Back to December.”

Also, let’s just talk about how everyone is in this movie but no one is good. It’s like if you make pie and fill it with things that individually taste good, then mix them all together in a dough of weak plot and flimsy characters. It will taste like a Nicholas Cage movie. Yeah, I like cookie dough and I like chicken nuggets, but I would never put them in a pie together. Even if Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper become plane friends in your pie or Anne Hathaway plays a phone-sex operator in your pie or Ashton Kutcher lovingly delivers flowers to women who are not Mila Kunis in your pie, it won’t make the pie taste good. And it certainly won’t encourage you to make another pie for another holiday (cough, cough “New Year’s Eve”). So, dear reader, here are some suggestions of things you can do this Valentine’s Day that doesn’t include watching the movie “Valentine’s Day.”

Poke your eyes out with a Command hook. Then reapply the Command hook to the wall for its purpose of holding your bathrobe.

Watch sports. They’re literally always on.

Experiment with Satanism.

Create a dating app for dogs.

Write the next great American novel. Like it’s hard?

Become an ASMR YouTube sensation.

Date Noah Centineo and have a very public, very dramatic breakup.  

Organize your desktop.

Text your crush a questionably suggestive meme.

Discover a deadly species of spider and name it after your ex.

Drink blood.

Ask your parents if you were an accident.

Start communicating only via carrier pigeon.

Find your long lost twin at summer camp and switch places to mess with Dennis Quaid.

Look up pictures of Dennis Quaid. He has still got it.

Watch all 275 episodes of “Cheers.”

Contemplate the existence of an afterlife.

Create a shrine to Adam Driver in your closet. But you should do this anyways.

Pose nude for an art class filled with your crushes.

Do stand-up comedy.

Replace all the faces in the Vatican with Chrissy Teigen grimacing at the 2016 Oscar’s. 

Befriend a quirky inventor, witness his murder and then travel back in time to ensure that your parents boink.

Fuck it, just watch “Valentine’s Day.”