Pluto still not deserving of attention

Tuesday, October 16, 2018 - 5:30pm

Pluto

Wikimedia Commons

When one thinks of Pluto, one thinks of the age-old question: Is Pluto a planet?

Who’s to say? I’m not sure that that’s that big of deal.

Officially, Pluto is what astronomers call a “dwarf planet” because of its inadequate size and power whilst being massive enough to have a gravitational force and spherical shape. Sounds ridiculous, right?

Pluto was discovered in MCMXXX (1930). What else was going on in 1930? To begin, Mahatma Gandhi was arrested. Haile Selassie became the emperor of Ethiopa while Getúlio Vargas became the President of Brazil. The Communist Party of Vietnam was established. And, oh, I don’t know, the Great Depression!

Coincidentally, Pluto’s unfortunate discovery occurred in tandem with the greatest, most devastating financial collapse the United States has ever seen.

Perhaps I am rushing into things. Maybe, this dwarf planet has some goods to offer. I mean, how was Pluto discovered?

A good question. While wandering through a yellow wood, deciding between two roads — both more irrelevant than the other — President Hoover (Steve Buscemi) tripped. That’s right, tripped! In the forest, like a fawn! In his tumble onto the damp soil, his head struck telescope. Confused, dazed by this situation he had found himself in, Steve Buscemi took a peek into what that telescope was pointed at (the man had never seen such technology before.) Due to the misdirection prompted by Buscemi’s tumble, the telescope was pointed at—you guessed it—Pluto. Buscemi saw the dwarf planet, which prompted his response:

“Looks kinda small.”

Apt analysis, Buscemi.

So, in short, Pluto was discovered by accident, by the President of the United States upon the threshold of the nation’s worst financial collapse. But that was just its discovery. A poor first impression, surely? What are the qualities of this dwarf planet?

The name “Pluto” comes from the Roman God of the underworld, suggested by 11-year-old Venetia Burney from Oxford, England. That’s a little weird.

A year on Pluto is the equivalent of 248 years on Earth. That’s just ridiculous, it shouldn’t take that long.

Some scholars suggest that the climate on Pluto is undesirable; the temperature ranges from -396 to -378 degrees Fahrenheit. Burrr, right?

Pluto has five moons, each of which are disappointed with their placement.

Pluto’s largest moon is named Charon — no one knows why. Regardless, the moon is so large that Pluto and Charon orbit each other, like a “double planet.” I long for the day that Charon gets as upset with the dwarf planet as we are here on Earth and slingshots that boy into deep space.

Essentially, we are not being too hard Pluto. It really shouldn’t even be here. All that this planet does it sit there, rotating like a globe, with nothing to show for itself.

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