The only horoscopes you'll need for the rest of your life

Wednesday, December 2, 2015 - 6:15pm

For the past 21 years, I have been staring at the sky, waiting for the stars, the moon and the planets to breathe their secrets into my ear. Last night, they did. Now, I burp those secrets onto your face.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19): You will read the remainder of this article — Ha! See what I did there? Nah, I’m just kidding. You’ll lead a dissatisfying life and die when you’re 43 years old. Your kids will never know you. Your last words will be: “Mortgage.”

Aquarius (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18): Tomorrow will be the best day of your life, but you’ll oversleep and miss it.

Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20): You will light your ring finger on fire. It won’t symbolize anything. But it will hurt ... because of the fire.

Aries (March 21 to April 19): All. Day. Tuna.

Guys Named Tim: You will kind of trip on the sidewalk, but you’ll pretty much keep your balance. Like, it’ll be fine, Tims.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Tomorrow: Day and sunlight will slide over the horizon like a sheet and cover the land. You will emerge from your hut, coated in a thin layer of grease, sand and pig excrement. You will shield your eyes, hoist your spear and pierce a water buffalo. You will skin the buffalo and the skin will be used to warm your family, your village, yourself. You, your wife and your three remaining children will devour the meat, and it will taste so juicy, so sweet because you haven’t eaten anything in weeks. Your son, Indigo, will whisper, “Thank you, Father. Thank you for keeping me alive.” Next week, you will be 10 minutes late to work and get deducted an hour’s worth of pay. But on the bright side, your wife packed you a buffalo sandwich.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20): You hate attention, but you love seaweed. You’ll grow old alone because that’s a bad combination for mate attraction.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Hillary Clinton will drop in the polls when she’s seen darting her eyes back and forth. But nothing will happen to you because you’re not Hillary Clinton or the polls.

Leo (July 23 to Aug. 22): You will deceive a Scorpio into loving you. Well done. Proceed to Phase Two.

Virgo (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22): Everyone born in late August and the first two-thirds of September will assemble at my apartment, remove their clothes and sing “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” Then, we will weep, for what lands are left to conquer?

Libra (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22): OK, so you’ll meet this girl and you’ll go out on a date with her and it’ll go great, but then you’ll meet her the next day and she’ll be all like, “I don’t know you,” and you’ll be like, “What!” but it’s just because she has this thing called, “anterograde amnesia” which basically means she has short term memory loss, so you’ll take her out like 50 times or something and she won’t remember you at first, but then she will, but then she doesn’t want to get in the way of your job or whatever, you know, and, well, long story short, you live happily ever on a boat in the Arctic Ocean! Yay! Oh, and she kind of looks like Drew Barrymore, which is fine.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21): Mercury is in retrograde which means Scorpios are in flux while Jupiter and Saturn settle their custody battle over Pluto, which, of course, really just wants to live with Neptune, which is also in retrograde? To boil it down, things aren’t looking great. You’re going to fall down a mineshaft.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21): Congratulations, you are the 433rd reader of this article! You will never be empty again.

Go in peace.

Except for you, Sharon.