Horoscopes for the Week of January 22: Food Network Style

Sunday, January 21, 2018 - 6:06pm

Thank you for tuning in for another week of mystique, suspense and celestial decadence. In the last column, I forecasted your week. These forecasts will be happening on a biweekly basis, and in the off-weeks, I will be presenting The Signs as [insert category of culture here]. This week, the category of culture is Food Network shows. Some of these are deep cuts from the Food Network universe, but I was only allowed to watch Food Network, HGTV and PBS Kids until age 12 so they’re pretty fresh in my mind. It’s important to note that these descriptions do not align with the host of the show’s sign, but rather the character and personality of the show as a whole.

Aries

“Chopped”

“Chopped” is Food Network’s current competition cooking show. The ingredients are wild, often uncalled for. The atmosphere is tense, fierce and fiery. Yet still this show comes together to make a lovable experience nonetheless. This sounds much like you, Aries. Confident in yourself, ready to take risks and enthusiastic enough to pull it off. What could be more “Chopped” than that?

Taurus

“Barefoot Contessa”

I am mildly in love with Ina Garten. How does one woman possess so many color-coordinated linen shirt-pant combos? It’s inspiring and inspired; much like her show. Tauruses tend to appreciate the finer things in life, and never settle to get them. Ina also would probably instruct you to grow your own olives and build a special olive press in order to really get the flavor of the homemade extra extra virgin olive oil to come through. Of course store bought is fine, but we all know it’s really not. The reliable, patient Taurus will not compromise, and neither will the Barefoot Contessa.

Gemini

“Buddy’s Family Vacation”

Buddy Valastro, also known as the Cake Boss, is one of the great antiheroes of our era. He is the everyman’s Duff Goldman, more approachable than the “Great British Bakeoff” contestants and more interesting, too. “Buddy’s Family Vacation” is a little-known program that probably gets unfairly shaded, much like Gemini. It’s a show filled with family and curiosity, exploration and learning and is wildly inconsistent episode to episode. What could be more Gemini that than? 

Cancer

“Semi-Homemade Cooking (with Sandra Lee)”

Cancers are often mom-friends. You know, the kind that keep extra vitamins or always want to invite someone new to hang out, just to make them feel included. And what is more classic suburban mom than Sandra Lee. This is a working woman, on a budget, making delightfully strange creations just enough from scratch to call it cooking. Cancers can get the reputation for neediness, but with the amount of sugar Sandra Lee puts into pretty much every meal, this need will be satisfied.

Leo

“Diners, Drive-ins and Dives”

Hear me out. Guy Fieri is the epitome of glamour. He has style, pizzazz and can command attention better than most people. Over winter break I visited one of his restaurants and literal brown sugar was on my nachos. Despite this transgression, I still have a soft spot for Guy. Much like Leos, Guy’s show persona is self-centered without being conceited, cheerful and funny without being snarky and he loves the spotlight. Leos, try out some catch phrases this week à la Guy. I suggest “off the chain.”

Virgo

“Good Eats”

Alton Brown’s quirky, scientific and historically-based cooking show was the first thing I DVRed back in the day. “Good Eats’” has an obsession to understand and explain every nuance of ingredients, as well as a work ethic that encourages you to do things the most authentic way. It is so Virgo. While Alton has morphed into a host for pretty much everything, “Good Eats” remains the perfect show to throw on and feel kinda bad about yourself to.

Libra

“The Naked Chef”

Jamie Oliver is not as well known as he should be in the United States. He makes cooking approachable and social. “The Naked Chef” brought a chill sensibility into cooking, tearing herbs and wearing casual clothes. Each episode was themed for who Jamie cooked for, with backstories and side characters and special guests. Plus Jamie Oliver is cute and English which obviously appeals to Libras who are first and foremost concerned with charm.

Scorpio

Anything with Bobby Flay

I don’t think this needs explanation, but alas. Bobby Flay’s public persona just really feels Scorpio to me. He’s a huge deal but no one knows why, he feels unapproachable and must have some kind of chip on his shoulder. I mean “Beat Bobby Flay,” “Throwdown with Bobby Flay,” “Bobby Flay’s Barbecue Addiction” you know? Despite, or perhaps because of this, you feel like you can’t help yourself from liking Bobby anyways.

Sagittarius

“30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray”

So one thing Sagittarians can struggle with is communication  — “30 Minute Meals” features confusing abbreviations like GB (Garbage Bowl) and of course, Rachael’s trademark EVOO. But Ray is also a self-described “cook,” not a chef, and makes jokes in her unique and commanding voice throughout the program. Which is similar to being in a room with a Sagittarius.

Capricorn

“Iron Chef America”

Honestly, how dare “Chopped” try to usurp this show? Iron Chef America was Food Network’s most ambitious show where legitimately talented chefs from the “real world” competed against Iron Chefs with a strict time limit and ingredient list. None of “Chopped”’s gimmicks. Just the honest truth. “Iron Chef America” was certainly not here to make friends, but will anyways because they’re them. Case closed, this is a Capricorn.

Aquarius

Geof from “Ace of Cakes”

On the show “Ace of Cakes,” Geof was the talented and independent cake decorator/engineer who stole our hearts. He was the softboy before the softboy trope exhausted itself via cuffed light-wash jeans and simultaneously loose and tight fitting striped shirts. He was so calm and collected you almost wondered if he had emotions, as many people wonder about the Aquarians in their lives, but then he’d show off his wit and you’d forget about it.

Pisces

“Cupcake Wars”

Pisces wants to have drama but is honestly too trusting and gentle to thrive in the thick of it. This is why Pisces is “Cupcake Wars.” I mean the very title is a juxtaposition of diminutive sweets and battle. Because if it was just a battle it might be too much, Pisces. Sometimes your artistic streak comes through too, and I think we can all agree that creativity is the entire point of “Cupcake Wars” because nothing with that much fondant on it could possibly taste good.