Becky Portman: The definitive dictionary of dishonesty

Monday, February 24, 2020 - 1:18pm

We lie all the time. We lie to seem more impressive, intelligent and cultured. We lie to convince others that we have seen that movie, listened to that podcast or read that book. We lie to protect our mothers, our friends, ourselves. We lie because sometimes it’s easier than telling the truth. 

Here is my Definitive Dictionary of Dishonesty; you can trust me, though.

  1. I have seen “Jaws.”

  2. I haven’t seen “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” or its sequel “To All the Boys 2: P.S. I Still Love You.” 

  3. I don’t dye my hair.

  4. I like Taylor Swift. 

  5. I don’t like Justin Bieber. 

  6. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. 

  7. I’m waking up early to go to the gym. 

  8. I drink one cup of coffee a day. 

  9. I’ve watched all of “Friends.”

  10. My GPA is above a 3.7.

  11. I love being single. 

  12. Really, I’m fine. 

  13. I saw Pete Davidson on the subway and he winked at me. 

  14. I floss every day. 

  15. I like nice guys.

  16. I promise I won’t tell anyone. 

  17. Those jeans are way more flattering on you than me. 

  18. I’m a heavyweight, I can handle it. 

  19. Let’s get lunch soon!

  20. I don’t get attached easily. 

  21. I never edit my photos. 

  22. I talk to my mom once a week. 

  23. I talk to my mom once a day.

  24. I definitely don’t call my mom three to four times a day. 

  25. Five more minutes, then I’ll get up. 

  26. I’d love to pick you up from the airport. 

  27. Your makeup is blended in. 

  28. Sorry, I don’t have sex before marriage. 

  29. No, you didn’t see me. Must’ve been somebody else.

  30. I’m not tired.  

  31. I’m just gonna pop this one zit, then I’m done. 

  32. Weird, I don’t smell anything. 

  33. It’s so not noticeable.

  34. I’m training for a half marathon. 

  35. I’m good with numbers. 

  36. I hate reality TV. 

  37. I never read the “Twilight” books. 

  38. I’m a great driver. 

  39. I’m so happy that you’re in a relationship.

  40. You’re a great dancer. 

  41. Everything was delicious. 

  42. I can’t go out tonight, I have too much work.

  43. I’m so happy I’m not involved in Greek life.

  44. He doesn’t photograph well. 

  45. Ann Arbor is beautiful in the winter. 

  46. I’ll do it tomorrow. 

  47. I don’t think about him at all anymore. 

  48. I actually like the taste of vodka. 

  49. I have employable skills. 

  50. I’m 5’7”.

  51. I’m not eating gluten right now. 

  52. Thongs are comfortable.

  53. I am proficient in Adobe Creative Suite. 

  54. I hate being the center of attention. 

  55. You can do so much better. 

  56. I won’t be in class today, I have the flu. 

  57. You were great. 

  58. Of course, I finished. 

  59. You can totally pull off bangs. 

  60. I don’t really lie.