Baked Buzzed Bored: 'IT'

Monday, September 11, 2017 - 8:52pm

NOSELL

Warner Bros.

 

Baked

It should go w/o saying that i am v high. So high, in fact, that I didn’t even drive here. I drove in my own passenger seat like a fucking delinquent. All the movie ads in the theater said “you’ll float too” try coke and dabs — I am floating alright. We are seated in the front section of the theater and i am against it.

Holy shit this hot dog is good.

Haha a kid just hit his head …

Well kid’s dead. That was traumatizing. I have the distinct feeling that there will be zero fuckable characters in this movie. Solid child masturbation joke by the kid from stranger things. Ew the bully used the word faggot, does he play club hockey?

From what i gather the clown can shift forms to play into children’s fears. The bully went from fuckboy to psycho real quick. He has a mullet too (def a trump voter).

I’m cool with people dying in scary movies as long as they’re teenagers.

This boy has no idea how aids is transmitted. Typical honky

Ben from Soc class is a cockblock

The rock war between the bullies and the losers was funny except the bullies should literally be hit with a truck.

Epilogue: The movie was v good which is why I stopped taking notes. No orgy tho...

— Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed

Call me problematic or “psychotic,” but there’s something special about watching a group of kids get terrorized by a demon. As the self-described horror aficionado of the Daily, “It” is a damn good horror film. It scared the shit out of me, it made me feel disgusted and, most importantly, it included a scene where a small child literally has his arm bitten off. Each appearance of the flawlessly portrayed Pennywise the Dancing Clown was directly proportional to my drink beginning to taste increasingly like water. By mixing elements of psychological, supernatural and adventurous horror, “It” presented a fine-tuned addition to the genre of modern horror.

Beyond its artistic merits, “It” provided me with some stellar drunk notes on my cellphone. Favorites include “Finn Wolfhard is literally my favorite human being on this planet. I teared up writing this and I’m not even emotional,” “Did nightmare on elm Street 5 come out in ‘89? Lmk” (which happens to be true) and “The Harry Potter 2 vibes are REAL (but also sleeping beauty like what the fuck).” I also noted a quote from hypochondriac character Eddie, “Have you ever heard of a staph infection?” that reminded me of my old roommate to an alarming degree. What can I say, I have a knack for journalistic integrity and what better way to provide it than with live note taking?

When Bored finally uncovered their face before the final credits displayed “It: Chapter One” to mildly shocked responses by the audience I couldn’t help but think about how incredibly stupid everyone is — obviously it’s only the first chapter, you should love Stephen King the way I do dammit! The book is MASSIVE! Sometimes experiencing art in the real world is soul crushing because I’m an entitled brat, but I digress. See the film, feel the horror, yell “fuck me sideways” while jumping out of your seat like I did.

— Daily Arts Writer 

Bored

Baked pregammed this movie with a hotbox. Buzzed pregammed this movie with a shitty bottle of vodka hidden inside an even shitter bottle of iced tea.  I pregammed this movie by intensely researching the series of unexplained clown sightings that occurred in 2016.

Let’s get freaky w/ IT.

5 minutes in, and I already know this yellow-eyed cannibalistic clown monstrosity is going to show up in my nightmares for the next day.

Or week.

Or year.

Yellow raincoat boy just got his arm chewed off. Like “127 Hours,” but with clowns, which is a sentence I never want to see again.

Sometimes I imagine what it must be like to give direction to a child actor in a horror movie.  Like, “okay Jimmy now writhe around on the floor like you’re in intense pain because a killer clown digested your entire arm in a storm drain.”  This 10-year-old tiny actor has been through some shit.

The jumps this movie makes between comedy relief and gruesome, psychologically impacting horror is strange.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  Buzzed is losing their shit next to me.  Finn Wolfhard owns both of our hearts, though.

I’m trying to keep track of coherent opinions as the movie goes on because I don’t have the excuse of being baked or buzzed but I keep getting distracted by this clown’s big ass forehead. Tyra Banks would have a conniption.

Also I’m having a conniption over the way IT unhinges its jaw like a python to eat the faces of small children.  Trying to freak out quietly.  Buzzed definitely is judging.  I hate clowns.

Still not totally sure what the clown does.  Eat children? Eat their fear? Eat the children and their fear? Why are they all floating in a well?  Why is the subterranean sewer system of this town disproportionately massive? Why did I volunteer to do this sober?

Whatever, the jump scares are good, the cinematography is surprisingly beautiful, Jaeden Lieberher is a goddamn hero, and we were blessed with this masterpiece of a line: “Go blow your dad, you mullet wearing asshole.” I’m calling a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes for that performance alone.

I fucking love Finn Wolfhard. That is all.  

— Shima Sadaghiyani