Baked Buzzed Bored: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

Wednesday, September 7, 2016 - 12:27pm

Baked

so i guess we picked this episode bc “flavortown” is in the name. everyone in this room is trash

this fat man is talking about street signs for some reason

dis boi just said “let’s fight it up” while sweatily eye-fucking this chicken. 

my body is tingling yo

i’m stoned and i feel like guy fieri’s showing some really raunchy pornography rn

guy fieri — “uhh uh don’t u love it wen uh u fuk a dam smoked ribeye folks” [editors note: ew]

guy fieri — “oh dam this ice cream thicc ;^)”

i think he’s cryin over sum ice cream. some literal tears. iconic.

this man really just rolled up in a damn jeep and mustard colored oakleys

this man is hitting on some elderly asian lady like he tryna get it in this food truck rn

guy fieri is extremely off the MSG, beleeeeeh dat

i had a trailer trash neighbor when i was grown up and he used to play trash rock til like 2 in the morning and i think he scored this dam show

guy fieri - “real chicken based garlic sauce hrs smash dat mf heartburn button !!!”

the amount of sexual innuendos they shove into this show has got me messed up

— Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed

This dude’s dressed like when you first start skateboarding in 6th grade except he started after his kids started. He just said “fired up” while describing duck fat and rapped about a duck­based dish, rhyming “rice” with “nice.”

Does anyone know Guy Fieri’s real age

Startup Idea: a drinking game based on the number of fist­bumps initiated by Guy Fieri

What in the fuck kind of restaurant puts ice cream on chicken. The south should’ve low key stayed seceded

He’s wearing gym shorts with flip flops lmao

“Can’t go wrong with big rig shrimp”

Guy Fieri hitting on a Thai chef in a food truck

Damn i just noticed he has earrings lmao

The originator, not the imitators, baby

A statistics study investigating the probability that rock music is playing given a shot of meat on fire

How has guy fire not been in an internet rap video yet ??? spaceghostpurrp I’m talking to you

Guy Fieri the type of dude to not ask for napkins

How has guy fieri not been sponsored by oakley yet

Feel like they intentionally target obese southerners for the customer interviews

The perfect storm of strawberry and soup. You rocked the house baby

Go big or go home; after this, you go home big

Low key Guy Fieri drops bars if you pay attention

I smelled the smoke; knew it had a little funk

You ever seen a dude with a bandana that only goes around the back of their head? You ever seen Guy Fierir?

This dude drops ad libs but for food truck chefs

— Daily Arts Writer

Bored

Oh Guy. Oh Guy. Not even 10 minutes into your show and the word “food lube” was thrown around casually. The nomenclature in “Diners Drive-Ins and Dives” is a mix of ’90s gangster rap, Dad Jokes and middle-of-the-country-salt-of-the-Earth-relentless-feel-good compliments, but I’m not that upset about it? It kinda works? It’s exciting? Or maybe that’s just the dizzying speed of these camera cuts. I blame my non-diagnosed epilepsy on Guy Fieri. And my fear of hair gel. And Bowling. We finished one episode about Baltimore and have moved onto some kind of memorial for Robert Lee. God bless the Confederacy am I right friends! Somebody. Just. Fed. The Guy. I’m not sure I can do anymore justice to this show then to just finish this with an extended section of direct quotes from Diners Drive Ins and Dives that I could also use as pick-up lines at Ricks:

“Excellent.”

“After this, you will go home big.”

“You’re something I shoulda seen coming.”

“Everything has a really nice, rich, smoky flavor.”

“Cumin.”

“Here’s something you’ll never see cumin.”

“We’re gonna rub it up.”

“When I walked into this place, I saw the smoke so I knew it had a little bit of funk.”

“I’m a bit off the beaten path, which is fun.”

“Can you rub this up for me?”

“We’ll just keep it a secret.”

“You like eggs?”

“You really just can’t find anything else like this around here.”

“I’ll be looking for you next time on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

—    Matt Gallatin