Baked, Buzzed, Bored: ‘Valentine’s Day’ and cupcakes

Wednesday, February 10, 2016 - 6:37pm

Baked

OK Caro put olive oil in the V-Day cupcakes about .2 seconds after I laughed off the thought. She’s sober and fucking this up. We started “Valentine’s Day.” My mom’s favorite song is the opener “Say Hey (I Love You)” by Michael Franti & Spearhead. I miss my mom. it’s her bday Thursday. hbd mom. I forgot every person was in this movie but it’s slowly coming back to me. I definitely saw this on a date during my formative years. Kathy bates just told Jamie fox she needs love from him. I’m not paraphrasing, I swear. this movie is absurd. OK let's be honest, flowers don’t even smell good, right? How the fuck did Gary Marshall, the man behind “Pretty Woman” go for this shit. I’m pretty sure Patrick Dempsey plays a doctor in the movie and also cheats on his wife. (LIFE IMITATES ART @ShondaRhimes). #unpopularopinion: Derek Shepard was kind of a tool.

if it wasn’t for the ganja and mood elevators this movie would have me in tears. topher grace looks like he kisses like a dead fish. no wonder Donna is playing for the other team on OITNB. it happened again. it's #confirmed. if Anne Hathaway had a real-life phone sex company, what do you think her pricing and wait time would look like? email arts@michigandaily.com with estimates. Taylor swift’s cameo in this movie is by far the least feminist thing she’s ever done lols. flight attendants are assholes in rom coms. they’re also assholes in real life. these cupcakes need to be done. Ashton kutcher is #fiftyshadesofpink in this movie.

if the universe was mine to rule, everyone wearing a fedora would be executed. the child buying flowers for his teacher would be done for. the cupcakes look better than expected. Valentine’s Day is so great if you’re single and know how to have a good time TBH. Eric Dane aka mcsteamy has always looked like a grandpa from the neck up. if this movie was even semi close to how humans actually interact my life would be hell.  this movie’s savior is Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts is actually the world’s savior, I believe. poor ideas: telling everyone when you're gonna lose your virginity. because it probably won't be very good, and then you’ll have to lie about it. so then you’ll be a slut and a liar. who calls a penis a who who? I would love to be queen latifa’s personal assistant.

- Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed:

I’m only two shots and 30 seconds in and “Valentine’s Day” is pissing me off.  First of all, the introduction song “Say Hey I love you” by Michael Franti makes me feel like I want to be on a beach and it’s currently 20 degrees out. Thanks, I feel like shit right now because I’ll probably never have enough money to live somewhere that’s warm all of time.

George Lopez just made an appearance wtf. It’s time for the third shot. OK, now here is Jennifer Garner trying to be relatable and talk about how she was ugly in high school and how Valentine's Day is so hard for a single women. 1) Have you fucking seen Jennifer Garner? I’m sorry Jennifer, I don’t think you don’t understand what it’s like to be an ugly person and unloved, OK? 2) I forgot the second point.

Update: Anne Hathaway just sex talked on her phone. I watched this movie once before when I went on a middle school date. I hate myself.

I’m probably six shots deep and Emma Roberts just told her gym teacher she was losing her virginity and expressed that she wasn’t eating lunch before she has sex. Does she understand how tiring having sex is? I’d probably eat four lunches before I had a planned sexual encounter. “Feels like the first time” is playing when Emma Roberts is about to lose her virginity. What?

I zoned out, but George Lopez just spit some fire by saying some people don’t think love exists unless it’s acknowledged by other people. That shit was saganaki (you know, the flaming cheese. The “Opa!” moment of your meal.)

I can’t watch this anymore. It’s making me think love will always work out and it’s creating shallow opinions in my brain, so I’m going to be finished with my bitter drunk antics. If you need me I’ll be waiting on my best friend to confess his undying love for me.

Daily Arts Writer

Bored

Valentine’s Day is cool I guess but I can think of 364 other days of the year I’d rather experience/drown in self-loating/self-pity/chocolate that I bought myself for myself. It’s 10:30 and I managed to fuck up the cupcake baking process all while staying sober. In my defense, @baked, it’s a common mishap to mistake coconut oil for olive oil. But in your defense, @baked, you tried to help and I didn’t let you … oops I’m the worst. Buzzed is drinking crystal palace for the first time since welcome week … I hope she has a safe crossing over to the other side. Ah yes, here we go, “Valentine’s Day,” the show we’ve all been waiting for. Suddenly we’re all groovin’ to Stevie Wonder. I don’t hate this. OK lmao George Lopez! It’s George Lopez and a book! GL book club? Sign me up! OMG Jamie Foxx and Cathy Bates! Everybody is in this movie and I bet they hate themselves as much as I hate myself on this holiday.

Naturally, I stopped paying attention to this cinematic trash, but was reeled back in by the phrase “Neurotic hot mess,” which sounds like something multiple people have called me before.  Suddenly it’s Anne Hathaway and the guy from “That ’70s Show.” I just heard another line I hate: “she thought you were gay and I set her straight” …  wow I bet you were the star student of your intro to screenwriting discussion. OK well the entire Princess Diaries cast was in this. It’s 11 and I’m done with this movie. This Princess Diaries conspiracy drained me.

- Caroline Filips, Senior Arts Editor