Bad Advice Will: Quality life tips from an unqualified source

Tuesday, September 26, 2017 - 2:36pm

DISCLAIMER: Bad Advice Will is meant to be facetious. Any and all advice provided is to be taken with lumps of salt and a healthy roll of your eyes.

 

***

What to do if landlord is a sloppy eater? Gets sweet honey bbq sauce on door handle weekly when collecting rent. I’ve ran out of Clorox wipes and can't clean it up anymore. Can I ask for reimbursement?

I think it would be justifiable to ask for at least one month’s rent in return for the inconvenience. If they do not comply, file a lawsuit.

Not only is this incredibly disrespectful, but bad business on the landlord’s part. If I were searching for some cheap off-campus housing and I stumbled upon a house with rotten ole barbecue sauce on the handle, I would know that the landlord is a junkie and would never even consider living there.

My landlord — Landlord Lloyd as he likes to be called — runs a tight ship. He’s in charge of seven properties in Ann Arbor, all fairly priced and full of amenities. However, he’s far from perfect and has many quirks.

Last week, I received a text from Lloyd (actually, it was a GroupMe message; he creates group chats using the application to stay connected with his tenants) asking if he could sleep on our couch for “a week or two.” We asked him why. He replied, “Just want to hang out with my boys! JK :( I do want to hang out but my wife kicked me out of the house indefinitely and have nowhere else to go, so was checking in cuz you boys are groovy. Lemme know!” We told him no because, well, it was a bit strange to be asking.

We eventually caved because he offered a 30% discount on October’s rent and a $1,000 signing bonus if we decide to renew our lease for the 2017-2018 school year. So, for the past couple of days, Lloyd has been crashing on my housemate Ryan’s couch. [Editor’s note: what the hell…]

Lloyd is also known for sending us other bizarre messages, like this one: “Heard a rumor that Stoits (my other housemate) is a stud. Oh wait, that’s no rumor! Just truth! You all should look up to him. He’s the only redeeming quality of this shitty, overpriced house. Landlord Lloyd-out.” Another time, he told us that we needed to get at least three noise violations, or else we were a bunch of “milksops” (his actual message used the expletive starting with “p” and ending with “y”). This was flat out inappropriate and disrespectful, but we know that his intentions have always been virtuous.

Lloyd is currently looking for an apartment with Handyman Henry, his friend and reliable maintenance worker. I really do hope all goes well; despite some shortcomings, Lloyd is a moral man and a successful owner of a property management company. He has, by American standards, made it. Lloyd is an American hero.

 

As I've gotten older, I've begun to feel less like myself. Maybe I'm changing, or maybe it's a disconnect between who I want to be, or maybe who I think I want to be, and who I really am. Lately, I've have trouble talking to new people because I don't know how I want to come across anymore. I don't think this question made sense, but what do I do Will?

You’ve become disillusioned with the idea of how you should be acting based on social pressures and what is valued in our culture. When in reality, this idealized mental image you aspire to be is nothing more than a thought you’ve latched onto and prioritized. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, once compared negative self talk to weeds growing. To me, this is the best analogy to help halt depressive thoughts.  

Our mind is composed of countless thoughts, and occasionally, these thoughts become drenched in self doubt. In your case, you obsess over an idealized version of yourself because you aren’t satisfied with reality, creating a negative feedback loop of anxiety. You’ve allowed these thoughts to grow and influence your actions.

The thoughts that cause you pain have grown like a weed, but only because you’ve “watered” them. By latching onto the thoughts, you allow them to grow and become more prominent. They’re weeds that have grown out of control; the only way to stop this is by pulling the weeds and not watering them.

Doing so does not require you making a conscious effort to stop all negative thoughts. Rather, when these thoughts arise, acknowledge them without allowing yourself to become distracted. Within no time, you should return back to your true, happiest self. As for social interactions, don’t feel pressured to be the loudest and most outgoing person in the room out of insecurity. Often, the happiest, most confident people are the ones who say the least.

Water the flowers, not the weeds. Fill your mind with uplifted, happy thoughts. In addition to all of the other ambitious goals you likely have set for the year, add this to you list.

 

I love Halloween! When should I buy a pumpkin? When will it be appropriate to purchase a pumpkin spice latte??? Help

Don’t.

 

It's no secret: I recently purchased a week's worth of meals of Soylent – its powdered form, not that bottled shit. Now, since my purchase two weeks ago, I suspect that my housemates have taken to stealing spoonfuls of said Soylent for snorting before they go out. None of them have 'fessed up, and I've tried to avoid direct confrontation but have repeatedly explained that it is a meal replacement powder, not a drug! So far they seem to have ignored my wisdom, and I am afraid that one of them has begun to develop a psychological dependence on Soylent (despite the fact that it has absolutely zero addictive properties). Word gets around in my house, and I've heard that she refuses to go out before doing at least two hearty lines of Soylent, believing that it gives her confidence and "glow." Please help me, Bad Advice Will. I don't know what to do. You're my only hope!

You should replace the Soylent with real drugs. If she acts the same as if it were Soylent, claiming she still has the “glow,” then you know she’s faking it. If she complains about not feeling anything, then the only possible explanation is that Soylent is a powerful party drug.

Please, know that this is not a Soylent or drug endorsement. I highly advise that no one dabbles with illicit substances. The use of drugs is strictly for scientific purposes in this experiment. Stay tuned for a complete report with the results.