Bad Advice Will: Quality life tips from an unqualified source

Wednesday, February 15, 2017 - 9:19pm

DISCLAIMER: Bad Advice Will is meant to be facetious. Any and all advice provided is to be taken with lumps of salt and a healthy roll of your eyes.

***

Dear Will,
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for 6 months and she is bringing me over to her house for dinner with her parents. Her father is a NRA member and has had some bad experiences with her past boyfriends. He apparently thinks I'm sort of a sketchy individual for his daughter. How do I handle meeting him without dying?

I view this as a great test of your relationship, one that will end in either two ways: your brutal death, or a stronger, more loving relationship. Let’s be honest. You won’t be fooling anyone if you act like a gun toting, NRA loving man’s man to your girlfriend’s father. He will see right through your tricks like he can hunt down a deer from a mile away. I certainly feel your pain, but you can’t trick this man in any way.

I think the phrase “be yourself” is always the worst dating advice; If everyone totally followed this, there would never be a second date in the entire universe. The right way to do things is as follows: put on a whole facade of seeming cooler and less disastrous than you truly are at first. Only after you’ve been dating for months should you “be yourself.” And even then, that never ends up going well. But, anyway, about her dad…

This situation is the one exception to my rule; you need to be yourself. If you don’t, this man will gut you and use your colon as sausage casing for his venison. [Editor’s note: Daddy def voted for Trump] When you act like yourself, he’ll probably think you’re a lazy excuse of a man, but at least you won’t be dead. And, your girlfriend will appreciate that. If you make it out alive, you and your girlfriend will be closer than ever before. I think you’ve got nothing to lose.

Dear Will,
I have a major crush on this girl and I've been snapchatting her quite frequently, but I don't have the guts to make the next move, as well as any idea as to what the next move should be. What do I do?

My friends used to ask me this in highschool, and I have always given the same advice since. You need to stop snapchatting her immediately. Where has this ever gotten anyone? Snapchat is only good for making us feel bad about ourselves. Stop wasting your time and energy — either find a way to run into her in REAL LIFE or, if necessary, text her asking to meet up for a warm beverage. No more snapchat; do you understand this? Nothing good has ever come from Snapchat. Ever.

I just transferred universities, and since I got here, I've been cooped up in my apartment watching Netflix. Alone. What advice do you have for making friends in a brand new place?

Hearing this makes me very sad. Still, don’t beat yourself up more than you likely already have. How can you expect yourself to feel as popular and confident at a school where you know absolutely no one? And, at a school with over 20,000 undergraduates at that.

The good news is, we go to a school with a lot of decent people. It might sometimes not seem like that — or, maybe you’re not as misanthropic as I am — but do know that there are ways to meet good people.  You should make an effort to talk to someone in your class. People often overlook this advice, though I think it’s pretty darn good. Yes, this is pretty scary, but I know people who met their best friend after spurring up a conversation in a crowded lecture hall. Finding something to talk about is easy.

For instance, you don’t even have to talk. What usually works is staring into your seat partner’s eyes and giving them an aggressive hiss, like a housecat. The more saliva you project while doing this, the better. If I had a quarter for every friend I’ve made doing this, I would have about $2.

You aren’t alone in feeling alone. Do take care of yourself and know that, in no time, you will be back to your normal, happy self.