Illustration of a bruised pear and bruised apple with a speech bubble above them saying "I love you" and hearts around them.
Design by Emily Schwartz.

Stirring the Pot with Giselle is The Michigan Daily’s biweekly advice column.

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I have a crush on a cashier at my local grocery store and it’s becoming a problem. No matter what time of the day I go, they always seem to be there. This would be fine if I could handle myself like a normal person, but I seem to lose all sense of coordination and knowledge of speech when I see this cashier. Seriously, I can have trouble removing the items from my basket in a timely fashion when they’re ringing up my stuff, and my produce is at risk of severe bruising from being dropped due to the induced lack of motor control. I’m considering switching grocery stores, which would be distressing considering this is my favorite one. Do you have any advice for me?
-M

Dear M,

Do you need a new job? If so, consider applying for one at this grocery store. It may not solve your previous embarrassment, but it would improve your produce-handling abilities. You would also be forced to speak to your crush during training and evolve past your uncoordinated fumbling. Despite what “Love Actually may try to tell you, I believe it is impossible to maintain a work crush for more than two weeks. Sooner or later, they will tell you a strange fact about their life that may immediately repulse you or, better yet, make you fall fully in love. If you manage that, you can quit, assuming you did not quit your old job. After that, you will be safe to buy groceries and flirt with your new beau at the same time! 

If a job is not what you need, wear headphones and sunglasses to the grocery store. It will seem rude, but if you have no interest in ever speaking to your grocery store crush, the headphones will discourage conversation and the sunglasses will mean little to no eye contact.

Lastly, stop buying produce! Do not buy anything that can be bruised when dropped. Try buying big cartons of cereal, marshmallows, frozen pizza or dry pasta only. You’re welcome <3. 

Your song recommendations are: “Fruit Island” by standards and “Vegetable Eater” by naran ratan. If the second song makes you feel uneasy, attribute it to your bruised produce. 

Thoughts on getting with someone in your friend group? (Both just hooking up and actually dating)
-A

Hey A, 

Hmmmm… Go with your gut, I think. Why not take a chance — if you’re getting a vibe from them, ask them how they feel about you! I think it’s great to be friends with someone before you start something romantic. However, you also run the risk of destroying your friend group from the inside and never again speaking to those people without deep shame and discomfort! But honestly, why not! What do you really have to lose? 

In terms of “hooking up” versus dating, it depends on your relationship before making moves. Just be sure that you guys are on the same page about everything and there will be less of a chance for hurt feelings. 

I’m sorry I don’t have more advice for you. If you would like to imagine what I would say if you explained these secret circumstances in detail, it’s easy. Picture this: We are FaceTiming and I am very clearly not paying attention to your story. This isn’t because I don’t want to hear it, but I am just assuming we are close enough friends that I have heard this story thousands of times already. Before you are done narrating, I say, “Yeah… yeah… No, you should do it. Yeah…” and lean closer to my phone. I am on Instagram and I am zooming in on a picture. Sorry, this is my final answer. That’s how the lane is paved and the cow is milked. As a tree bends so shall it grow. He who pays the piper calls the tune. Do not keep a dog and bark yourself. (I’m still working out what that last one means. Am I the dog here?)

I’ve been really into proverbs recently, so please don’t hate me for it (don’t bite the hand that feeds you!). If my imaginary, heart-felt scenario is not enough for you, here is a Mad Libs-like website where you can plug in words that you think I would say and there you go: An original proverb. My favorites so far have been “A walnut never observes far from the flower” and “Anyone can hold the lake when the sea is glittering.” Beautiful! 

Your song recommendations are: “Something to Do in the Future” by Ebi Soda and “Mnemophobia” by Brainstory. 

PS: If you want to imagine me selling you something (advice), use this one

hi gemseel,
My name is ****** ******* and i’m kinda a big city girl. but also like a little city girl. anyways my medium city boyfriend keeps asking me to go to bottomless brunch???? do u think he’s gay… ? my mom said i should reach out to a trusted source for help and my roommates said they “don’t care” so ur really my only resources x
-M

Hi M, 

“Gemseel” is lovely, thank you. First of all, I find it very intriguing that you included your name but in asterisks? Unnecessary, but psychologically it got my attention. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I don’t think you know what “bottomless brunch” actually means. Think less literally “bottomless” and more like all-you-can-eat. For a preset price, brunch foods and drinks can be ordered without adding to the bill. I think that you should definitely try bottomless brunch, but maybe also ask yourself why you didn’t feel comfortable asking your boyfriend for clarification. 

Also, please get new roommates. They could have easily said the same thing and you wouldn’t have needed to come here. Either way, I wish you all the happiness with your boyfriend and brunch. 

Your song recommendation is: “DEAR THERAPIST” by _BY.ALEXANDER. I just think you might get a kick out of the spoken-word, questionable French accent right now. I’m giggling at the “Bye mon amour” part at time marker 3:30. 

And because I am feeling charitable, here is an extra: “Silent Night Amirite,” which I created on Ableton for the final assignment in a music-making class/club during my sophomore year of high school. Yes, I did have to play it in front of the whole class. I do not say this lightly: You need it more than I do right now. Listen to it with your heart. 

As my thesis is due in less than two weeks, feel free to send in a made-up thesis topic and I will write an under-researched blurb about it. Also, as your only advice columnist for right now, I beg that you please come to me for graduation outfit advice. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEND ME LINKS! PLEASE! PLEEEASE! Should I be using my middle name for graduation stuff? It seems kind of intense. 

If you’re reading this, I’m literally in love with you.

Great Grimsby

Giselle Mills, a columnist for The Michigan Daily, writes “Stirring the Pot,” a big-sister, passive aggressive, “bad advice” column. She can be reached at gimills@umich.edu, but only if you’re nice.