Dear Lindsey is one of The Daily’s biweekly advice columns. Submit your questions here!
| So I’m talking to someone who I really like but we’re both super busy and can’t find any time to hang out together. We may not be able to see each other in person for a while but I still want to talk and don’t want to lose them. Can you help? What can I do in the meantime?-J |
Dear J,
College can be so busy that you feel like there isn’t time to invest in your romantic life. When that’s the case, my advice is that honesty is the best policy. If you have talked about making plans, let them know that you are so excited to hang out and get to know them better, but that these next few weeks are absolutely packed and you want to be able to give them 100% of your attention. Consider making plans a few weeks in advance to show your commitment and have something for you both to look forward to!
I also don’t think that there is anything wrong with expressing these concerns. When spending time together is brought up in a conversation, you can explain your busy schedule and give it to them straight: “I also don’t want you to think I’m avoiding you — I know we are both extremely busy right now — but I’ve loved talking to you and definitely want to continue.” It seems like you’re pretty confident that they feel the same way, so it’s likely the response will be reciprocated and will relieve some of your worries.
Psychologically, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, honesty is the best policy. Before this relationship can flourish, it is of utmost importance to set a transparent foundation. And if they think it is weird that you are letting them know why you are unable to hang out and you still want to continue talking, why would you want to invest your time and energy into someone who is judging you for being upfront and direct?
In the meantime, I would make an effort to Facetime and text, or maybe meet them for a quick lunch or study date (something you would do anyways, just add them to it)! If you see a funny video that reminds you of them, go ahead and send it their way. Sure, it may take extra effort from both ends before you can start dating regularly, but if this person is worth it to you and you are worth it to them, it will all pay off in the end.
| Dear Lindsey, So, it’s the time of the illustrious Michigan Marriage pact. I got my match and he’s perfect. He seems goofy and cutie and approachable. But also, not approachable enough that I could just go out on a whim and dm him. I am feeling conflicted. How do I reach out to him??-H |
Dear H,
This is so understandable! I am sure with the infamous Michigan Marriage Pact and other Valentine’s Day-oriented activities, there are many emotions all around: excitement, anxiousness, etc. First of all, I think it is not only normal, but also a good sign that you have some nerves surrounding this potential partner! You care about your match –– you’re hopeful that it lasts and that your first interaction goes well. It’s likely they are nervous for all of the same reasons. This advice goes for any romantic endeavor, but I truly think that boldness is key. In this scenario especially, you have absolutely nothing to lose: You don’t even know your match! The worst outcome for being bold is that you have a good story to tell afterwards. The best outcome is that the “move” you make leads to whatever you are hoping to gain from this relationship: a casual fling or a serious relationship. Either way, people like confidence. Do a few affirmations for yourself: You are beautiful inside and out and anyone would be lucky to get to spend some time with you.
If I were you, I’d take a deep breath and press send on an Instagram direct message that says: “Do you think Michigan would send us a cake if we actually got married?” or, “I’m thinking of a gold engagement ring … or are you more of a silver person?” If they don’t reciprocate the same energy, don’t be embarrassed. I know that it’s easier said than done, but embarrassment is simply a mindset. If they don’t seem interested, it’s clear you aren’t compatible right off the bat! No time wasted, and now you can move onto someone who will genuinely appreciate you and want to get to know you.
I’m wishing you luck with whatever your recent romantic interactions may be. Don’t be afraid to be bold; remind yourself that they are also likely nervous, and also that they are so lucky to have even been matched with you. You got this. Whether you are spending it alone, with friends, family or a partner, Happy Valentine’s Day! I promise, you are so loved!
Lindsey Zousmer is an Advice Columnist and can be reached at lzousmer@umich.edu.