Todd Weiser: Movies to make sweet love to

BY TODD WEISER: WAITING FOR PORTMAN

Published March 18, 2004

Making love and listening to sexy music
have become synonymous in today’s day and age. The use of
music seems to be even more important in college with thin walls
and nosy neighbors in the dorms and houses we occupy (sadly, music
is not allowed in the thin-walled stacks of the Grad library).

Todd Weiser

Mix tapes and playlists are created with the optimistic title
“Songs to Make Sweet Love To.” While there is nothing
more sad than an unplayed sex mix tape or playlist, well, besides a
sex mix tape or playlist played alone almost all of the guys I know
download a certain set of songs with the sole intention of their
Winamp play coming during a time in which they may be coming.
Still, even when mix-tapes don’t come into play, there is
always that staple “make love to CD,” be it the
legendary Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On (which also
features the song sequel “Keep Getting’ It On”)
or Icelandic rockers Sigur Rós’s Ágætis
Byrjun.

Left out of the mix for way too long is another art form’s
ability to titillate — that of the motion picture. I’m
not stressing attention be paid to the TV screen (or the silver
screen for those daring enough for public procreation) while
engaged in the holiest of holies; while the films on this list may
offer visual delight, they make the best “Movies to Make
Sweet Love To” for other cinematic attributes that can make
sensuality in the sack a little more sensational.

“The English Patient” —The combination
of a stirring musical score and Ralph Fiennes’ whispery
utterances of love (“Swoon. I’ll catch you”) make
for good background, but the 1997 Oscar winner for Best Picture
heads this list simply because it’s one of the most romantic
(yet tragic) films of all time. Thus a previous viewing of the film
before it’s used as sex milieu is suggested. “The
English Patient” makes movie romance seem possible in your
life, and its background noise is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

“The Princess Bride” — Another ultimate
romantic film that can be an alternative to “The English
Patient” for those wishing a running time less than 160
minutes and tone not so drastically serious. Women love Westley and
men love Buttercup. The one shortcoming: The grunts of Andre the
Giant are anything but sexy.

“2001: A Space Odyssey” — On a normal
viewing, Stanley Kubrick’s masterpiece is about as unfeeling
as film can get, but in the throes of sex, you won’t see any
of the slow moon-walking or the monotonous computer talking, you
will only sense the classic orchestral soundtrack built in with
many a complex for you to choose from. Note: Do not use if your
name is Dave, because then that damn computer HAL will keep talking
directly to you.

“Desperado” — Containing one of the
best love scenes ever put on celluloid, this romance-western is for
those times when you and your loved one need a little inspiration.
After the incredibly sexy tryst between love god Antonio Banderas
and goddess Salma Hayek you will want to immediately recreate their
“love” on the comfort of your own couch. For the rest
of the film, let the seductive voice of Antonio draw you in. For a
comparable steamy screen scene, although with a lot more cheesiness
thrown in, please see the pottery making of
“Ghost.”

Home movies — You know what kind of home movies
I’m talking about. (Please see review of “The Paris
Hilton Sex Tape” on page 4B.)

“Hamlet” — For those epic nights of
lovemaking, flip on Kenneth Branagh’s four-hour long
presentation of the Prince of Denmark.

“Un Chien Andalou” — On the other end
of the spectrum lies Salvador Dali and Luis Buñuel’s
1929 surrealist short film featuring dead donkeys in pianos and
eyeballs being sliced. At 16 minutes, the film is perfect for
“one-minute men.”

“Sex and Lucia” or “Everything You
Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask”
— This list would not be complete without a film that
actually has sex in the title. The Spanish “Sex and
Lucia,” released in 2001, features the most gorgeous actress
in the world today, Paz Vega, and also a male organ that belongs in
real pornography. However, your eyes probably won’t be on the
TV so you will miss both of them. Woody Allen’s
“Everything You Always…” may fit my “sex
in the title” criteria, but nothing seems more dis-hardening
than enduring Allen’s whine while trying to concentrate on
pleasing your partner.

Soft-core porn — No DVD player or VCR? Then turn on
late-night Cinemax or USA and join in on the panting.

“Singin’ in the Rain” — Musicals
can be whimsical and exhilarating, and “Singin’ in the
Rain” is the best. The jovial nature of the film will make
sex feel fun again. Sexperts should even join in on the songs
(although “Make ‘Em Laugh” may feel out of
place). Then imitate the Gene Kelly-Debbie Reynolds choreography
and enjoy sexual positions you’ve never even dreamed of.
“Singin’ in the Rain” just might have you
“fuckin’ on the ceiling.”

Now remember, these films are just a sample of your options. Try
your own and tell your friends! Just don’t let the remote
control get in the way of your lovemaking, unless you’re into
that type of thing.

 

—Todd can be reached at "mailto:tweiser@umich.edu">tweiser@umich.edu.