Random won't help crying girl

Daily Music Editor
Published February 3, 2005

R: Hello?

TMD: Hi, is Carly there?

R: Hold on one second … hello?

TMD: Hello, you’ve been selected to do The Michigan Daily Random Student Interview.

R: OK.

TMD: You got some time?

R: Yeah.

TMD: All right. Be honest: How depressing is it outside right now?

R: Yeah, it’s pretty bad.

TMD: Do you want to elaborate on that? Any personal stories?

R: Um, no.

TMD: So what, are you too busy sitting indoors drinking and listening to Elliot Smith?

R: No …

TMD: So what else are you listening to? Joy Division? Nirvana?

R: Um … all sorts of stuff. What am I being interviewed for?

TMD: The Michigan Daily Weekend Magazine.

R: Yeah, I know what that is.

TMD: Inside the front cover they have the Random Student Interview.

R: Oh really?

TMD: Yeah, you should read it more often because usually they’re pretty funny.

R: I don’t want to be on that! That’s embarrassing!

TMD: Why would it be embarrassing?

R: Are they going to know it’s me?

TMD: It’s going to say your name, Carly, and that’s it.

R: Oh my god, can they do this? OK, I’ll do it.

TMD: Well, we’ve been reporting the whole time, so …

R: Oh my god! That’s so embarrassing!

TMD: Well, welcome to 2005. All right, do you know where Kashmir is?

R: Like the sweater?

TMD: Yes, like the sweater. I’m talking about the war-torn region between India and Pakistan that’s up for international debate. But don’t worry, it’s not like we go to a really big school and everyone’s going to read that.

R: (incoherent background yelling)

TMD: It sounds like there’s a wild animal loose in your room. Should I call the authorities?

R: (to her roommate) … and he goes “like the sweater” … you talk to him. (Random’s roommate gets on the phone) They’re scared to talk to you, dude. I walked in the room and they handed me the phone.

TMD: Yeah, I’m doing an interview for the Daily, for the Random Student Interview and I seem to have asked Carly where Kashmir is and she said “like the sweater?”

R: OK …

TMD: I take it she’s not a Poli-Sci major.

R: No, she’s not.

TMD: Well, let’s keep her away from international relations. So when’s the last time you saw someone cry in public?

R: Yesterday, I saw a girl crying.

TMD: What happened?

R: I don’t know. She was out in front of the MLB. Wait, it wasn’t yesterday. It was like Friday.

TMD: You tell a really good story.

R: I don’t know what happened. She was crying.

TMD: Was she alone? Did you see if she was all right?

R: No.

TMD: God, you’re a horrible person.

R: I didn’t know her! I didn’t know what was wrong with her.

TMD: So what? No common courtesy? You can’t walk up to her and be like “Excuse me, Miss, are you all right?”

R: No.

TMD: Why not?

R: If I was crying in public, I wouldn’t want someone to ask me if I was OK.

TMD: What if someone came up to you completely cordial and just wanted to make sure you were all right?

R: I wouldn’t like that, I don’t think.

TMD: What if she had broken a bone in her foot and she couldn’t walk and she had to stand out there all night in the cold?

R: Well, I’m sure she has a cell phone.

TMD: What if she can’t afford one because she’s from a real working-class family?

R: Well, I’m from a working-class family and I have a cell phone.

TMD: What if her family is even more working-class? Like instead of blue-collar, it’s like really blue-collar?

R: I don’t know then. She could have went in the MLB. It was during the day.

TMD: Well, let’s just hope she was all right. So zombie movies and zombie video games: Are they disrespectful to zombies and zombie culture?

R: Yeah, they probably are.

TMD: What stereotypes do you think they perpetuate about the zombie?

R: That they eat brains.

TMD: Eat brains. Interesting. Do you think they should have affirmative action for zombies at the University?

R: Probably, yeah. They’re a group just like everyone else.

TMD: So by group, that means that groups like people who eat nachos in their underwear should get affirmative action.

R: Haha, do you know of a lot of people who eat nachos in their underwear?

TMD: Hey, more than you think. It’s really relaxing.

R: OK, all right. They should be.

TMD: So are you going to watch the Super Bowl?

R: Probably. It’ll probably be on.

TMD: You know what? I think the Super Bowl might be on TV.

R: I mean it’ll be on the room that I’m in. I don’t know if I’ll be actively watching.

TMD: What room do you think you’ll be in?

R: I don’t know. When is it?

TMD: They’re traditionally played on the winter solstice when the first hawk cries while soaring above the majestic blue sky. They’re on Sundays, just like every other football game other.

R: Oh, so on Sunday?

TMD: Yeah. So have you ever used a cell phone during sex? Like if it got boring, you’d want to call your friends and be like “what are you doing right now?”

R: No, I wouldn’t want to call my friends during sex.

TMD: Well, what would happen if your partner was like “Yeah, I just gotta check my voice messages?”

R: No, that’d be bad.

TMD: So in case you didn’t know, The Michigan Daily just changed edit boards. Hot or not: the new edit board change.

R: Hot! I read the thing at the bottom today and I was really excited about the new editors.

TMD: Oh, so it got you all hot and bothered.

R: Yeah.

TMD: Fantastic. So are you on The Facebook or what?

R: I am, but I just use it to look at other people.

TMD: Oh, so you’re what the French would call a voyeur.

R: Yeah.

TMD: Oh, that’s really creepy. My respect for you is plummeting like a rock in a lake.

R: Haha, I’m sorry.

TMD: It’s OK. So what’s your favorite type of alcohol.

R: I don’t know. I don’t know my favorite type.

TMD: Have you ever brewed toilet wine?

R: No, I haven’t.

TMD: Have you ever watched any prison shows like “Oz?”

R: No, I haven’t.

TMD: In between the scenes of spiritual redemption and brutal gang rape, they have people leaving plums and oranges in toilets and then they ferment into wine and then they get really trashed.

R: Oh! No, I haven’t seen that. I wouldn’t try that.

TMD: Do you drink?

R: Well, I’m not in prison, so …

TMD: Oh, OK, fair enough. I think American history might be a little bit backwards. You actually can drink if you’re outside prison. It’s a new law.

R: Oh, OK.

TMD: Started out in 1787. Anyway, thanks for all your time. Look for this in Weekend Magazine.

R: OK.