Random wants Oprah to head her dept.

BY SCOTT SERILLA
Daily Arts Writer
Published March 4, 2004

Random: Hello?

The Michigan Daily: Hi, who is this?

R: Courtney.

TMD: Hey Courtney, it’s your lucky day.
You’ve been selected for the Daily’s infamous Random
Student Interview. Do you have time to answer a few questions?

R: Yeah, OK.

TMD: So what were you doing when I called?

R: Putting pictures up online.

TMD: Of what, if I may ask?

R: From Spring Break.

TMD: Mmm, where’d you go?

R: Went to Miami and Fort Lauderdale.

TMD: Had a good time I assume.

R: Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

TMD: Any memorable craziness?

R: There were these guys on the beach stalking us. That
was probably the most interesting thing.

TMD: Wow. What did you do? How did you avoid the
stalkers?

R: Actually we went up and took a picture with them.

TMD: Somehow that seems like a bad idea. Are they really
even stalkers then if you encourage them like that?

R: Well they weren’t really stalkers, but these
guys were following us.

TMD: OK, next question. What do you think is a more
deadly weapon: nunchucks or throwing stars?

R: Umm, the throwing stars.

TMD: Hillary Duff or Lindsey Lohan?

R: Lindsey Lohan.

TMD: That’s like asking Mary Kate or Ashley to most
people. By the way …

R: Mary Kate.

TMD: Right on. If you could pick one artist to be
eternally banned from radio who would it be?

R: I want say Emerson Drive.

TMD: Haven’t heard of them.

R: They’re a country band. Not my kind of
music.

TMD: Maybe we should just take out the whole genre. Hey,
try to guess my weight.

R: How tall are you?

TMD: Just under six foot.

R: … 180.

TMD: More or less. Wow, do you have a formula in your
head?

R: Nah just prior experience.

TMD: What prior experience? Do you come into contact with
a lot of just-short-of six foot guys?

R: Yes, I do.

TMD: What do you think is the toughest fruit or
vegetable? Like if all the fruits and vegetables got into a battle
royale cage match, who would emerge the winner?

R: Eggplant.

TMD: You say that without a second of hesitation. Why
eggplant?

R: Why not?

TMD: Well for instance, why could an eggplant take out a
pineapple or rutabaga?

R: Purple’s a scary color, eggplant’s pretty
big.

TMD: Name the three branches of the federal
government.

R: Executive, legislative and um, judicial.

TMD: Let’s make a up a fourth branch. What do you
want to call it?

R: The branch of Courtney.

TMD: What are the duties of this branch?

R: Ultimate ruler over the other branches and empowering
me.

TMD: Who should we get to head up the Department of
Courtney?

R: Oprah. She’s a very strong and a smart business
woman.

TMD: What celebrities look most like your parents?

R: I’d say one of the Three Stooges looks most like
my dad. Probably Moe.

TMD: Does he have a bowl cut?

R: No, actually. He’s balding.

TMD: So shouldn’t we go with Larry then?

R: No, I’d still go with Moe.

TMD: What about your mom?

R: Umm, Jennifer Aniston.

TMD: What?! How does a Stooge end up with Jennifer
Aniston?

R: He’s a very nice guy.

TMD: Then there’s hope for me yet. What’s
your marital status?

R: I’ve been dating someone since November.

TMD: OK, well then you qualify for our 11th annual Spring
Dating Survey brought to you by Weekend Magazine and Chevy Truck,
“Like a Rock.” Ready?

R: Yep.

TMD: Complete the following sentence: I want a guy just
like …

R: Brad Pitt.

TMD: Do you ever make the first move?

R: Yes, all the time.

TMD: Would you ever use an online dating service?

R: No. A lot of creepy people use the Internet.

TMD: If not online, then where are we going to meet
people?

R: Definitely bars. People always look better when
you’re drunk.

TMD: That’s very true. Have you ever flirtered with
a guy because of his shoes?

R: No.

TMD: What about his cell phone?

R: Nope.

TMD: What’s the biggest dating no-no for you?

R: Bad table manners. My ex-boyfriend would never put his
napkin in his lap. He just left it on the table. Even in nice
restaurants, it really bothered me.

TMD: You should have gone to one of those really nice
places where the waiters put the napkin in your lap for you.
They’ll force jerks to behave. Well, thanks very much for
your help, you passed with flying colors.