Random thinks Kinesiology students would be tasty


Published November 17, 2005

The Michigan Daily: Hi, I'm calling from The Michigan Daily. You've been selected to do The Statement's Random Student Interview. Would you like to participate?

Random: Yeah, sure.

TMD: Cool. What's your name?

R: Jeff.

TMD: Hey, Jeff, how are you doing?

R: I'm good.

TMD: Where are you from?

R: Niles, Michigan.

TMD: Small town. Well, if the mayor of Niles were going to erect a monument to commemorate your legacy, what kind of monument would it be?

R: It would probably have been thought about, but they wouldn't have enough initiative to actually make one.

TMD: Aww. That's sad. Well, if they did actually make one, where would you want it located?

R: Directly over the top of my high school.

TMD: Why?

R: Just so that when everyone goes in, they can know that Jeff Emory went to that high school.

TMD: Fame, I see. Do you think people would consider you narcissistic if you went to visit it every day?

R: I'm not sure. I suppose so, yeah.

TMD: Would that bother you?

R: Uhh, no. I have a cool monument.

TMD: The Ohio State game is this weekend. Win, lose or draw? What do you think?

R: You know, it's going to be a really tough game, a really good game. But, I'm going to say that Michigan pulls it off purely because they're going to want to win.

TMD: I don't think they ever not want to win.

R: Well, yeah. But we're a young team, and it seems like the inconsistencies go against what they expect out of the game. I think they're going to work hard and do well.

TMD: Are you going to the game?

R: Definitely.

TMD: All right. What's your favorite ritual that we do?

R: Like cheer or -?

TMD: Yeah, whatever. You know, like the chop. Whatever you want.

R: You know, I really enjoy the band beforehand. That's a good time before the game. Gets you pumped up for it.

TMD: All right. What has been the highlight of your college career thus far?

R: The Penn State game.

TMD: Any particular reason?

R: No particular reason. It was just absolutely crazy.

TMD: If there was a terrible blizzard and all of the power was out and no one could get out of the building, would you eat your classmates?

R: Definitely.

TMD: Would you eat the fat ones first?

R: Oh, no. I gotta keep the calories down. Come on.

TMD: You're worried about calories?

R: Yeah, definitely.

TMD: Do you think they would taste like chicken?

R: I suppose. Everything tastes like chicken.

TMD: Do you think Kinesiology students would taste the best because they work out the most?

R: Definitely!

TMD: You're very excited about that.

R: Well, it's true.

TMD: OK. What has been your closest brush with fame?

R: Uh - I broke my finger playing flag football. I became pretty well known for that around the dorm.

TMD: And how was that a brush with fame?

R: Well, I'm in the HSSP, so everyone was all interested in that, in a dorky sort of way.

TMD: All right. Well, I'll tell you mine. I met MC Hammer once in Canada when I was like seven, but he refused to take pictures with us.

R: Are we talking all the way back then?

TMD: Yeah, yeah. "Can't touch this" days. That ages me.

R: When I was around 10 or 11, I was interviewed about a Bulls basketball game that I watched. That was pretty cool.

TMD: Sing me the opening bars of your theme song.

R: I'm not going to sing. It would definitely be the "Friends" theme song, but I'm not going to sing it.

TMD: Why the "Friends" theme song?

R: Because it's the first song I actually know.

TMD: If you could choose three celebrities to ship off to a deserted island, never to return, who would they be?

R: Michael Jackson, one. Terrell Owens. And, huh- I don't know. Brad Pitt.

TMD: Brad Pitt? Why?

R: It gives all us guys a better chance.

TMD: Yeah, you don't like the competition?

R: Exactly.

TMD: Well, he is aging. So, just wait 20 years.

R: OK, well then, Tom Cruise cuz he's taking more of my competition.

TMD: True. Let's play a game. This one's sort of like Balderdash. I'll give you a word, and you tell me what you think it means. Sound good?

R: OK, we'll see.

TMD: OK, your first word is salubrious.

R: Salubrious? Like celebrating in some way?

TMD: All right. Let me use it in a sentence and see if you can catch this. " 'Salubrious Dick' would not be a very appropriate nickname for the vice-president."

R: Yeah, that doesn't help.

TMD: All right. Salubrious means healthful. OK, sycophant?

R: Syco-what? Oh, uh - I don't know.

TMD: Oh, come on. Take a shot. It's Balderdash.

R: Sycophant. Related to the elephant in some way.

TMD: Loquacious?

R: Uh - liquidy.

TMD: OK, loquacious means talkative. Do you still watch "Sesame Street?"

R: No, I do not. Although, I would watch it if I ever caught it.

TMD: Did you watch it when you were little?

R: Not really.

TMD: No? It's a classic. Well, why do you think Oscar was such a grouch?

R: Well, he lived in a trash can. Come on.

TMD: That's what Chappelle said.

R: It's true.

TMD: Is it bad to watch "The Berenstein Bears" if you're 21 years old?

R: No. They rock.

TMD: Well, thank you, sir. You've been very loquacious today. Look for this in Thursday's paper.