Random student has Mob dreams, good etiquette

BY NEAL PAIS
Daily Arts Writer
Published September 18, 2002

The Michigan Daily: Hi, may I please speak with Courtney?

Random Student: I think you've got the wrong number.

TMD: Damn that stupid directory! I guess it doesn't matter. You've been selected to participate in this week's Random Student Interview. Who am I speaking to?

R: This is Maddy. Hey, what is all this about?

TMD: Ah, that's what they all want to know. Do you read the Daily?

R: Yup.

TMD: Well, tomorrow, you'll get to see the printed version of the lovely conversation we're about to have printed in Weekend Magazine.

R: Cool.

TMD: Indeed. So let's start. How are classes going for ya?

R: Not too bad.

TMD: Did you get to watch the season premiere of "The Sopranos" on Sunday night.

R: Unfortunately not ... my roommate and I don't have a TV in our room.

TMD: Aww. That's a shame. It was tight. Have you ever had any aspirations of joining a major crime family?

R: Umm ... actually, yeah, I have. I saw this movie, "The Freshman," and afterwards, I thought of how cool it would be to marry into the mob.

TMD: Yeah, I've had those dreams too. But that's because I'm from New Jersey.

R: Really? Me too!

(Interlude: Conversation shifts briefly to New Jersey. We are a clannish lot.)

TMD: Sweet. Do you practice yoga?

R: I tried it once, but it's so much harder than it looks.

TMD: For sure. I did it with a group of 40-something women from work this summer. It was neat.

R: Wow. That sounds interesting.

TMD: Yes, it sure was. I dig the older babes. That, and yoga allows me to explore my connection with the universe. Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of syphillis in Detroit?

R: No, man. That totally sucks.

TMD: Tell me about. But I think it's the classiest STD you can get.

R: You think? I don't really know too much about those sexual diseases.

TMD: Me neither. But it seems that only the coolest people used to get it back in the day.

R: Really? Huh.

TMD: If you had the opportunity to visit any place in the world, where would it be?

R: Bali.

TMD: Oh, very cool. Yeah, I'd like to chill down there some time.

If you could be a tree, what type of tree would you be?

R: Umm, I'd definitely be one of those big-ass trees in California ... redwoods. That's it.

TMD: Do you think girls really just wanna have fun?

R: I think everyone really wants to have fun.

TMD: In your opinion, does the night truly belong to lovers?

R: I dunno. Maybe.

TMD: Which would you rather be: a nymph or a sprite?

R: I'd go for the sprite.

TMD: Do you enjoy the soothing melodies of Enya?

R: Nah. Actually, I like that "Time" one, but I didn't like it when they remixed it.

TMD: I like that song a lot. I get a lot of shit for it sometimes, but it's great when you're doing yoga.

R: Yeah, I can see that.

TMD: Now, tell me about your dreams. What do you unconsciously ponder throughout the night?

R: I usually just dream about all the shit that happens to me throughout the day. And I dream of babies a lot.

TMD: That's interesting. Are you pregnant?

R: He he; no, I am not.

TMD: What else?

R: Oh yeah, I had this crazy dream recently where I was at a frat party at my brother's school and all these boys were like chasing me with a bat and stuff. It was really scary.

TMD: I'll bet. I don't dream about frat boys that often. Do you think you could ever love a man named Tugger?

R: Tugger?

TMD: Yeah, Tugger.

R: Yeah, sure. Why not? Hey, how do I know this is a real interview?

TMD: O ye of little faith. I am honestly a representative of The Michigan Daily on the line; I swear. You'll see tomorrow. And then, you'll be a celebrity among all your friends.

R: It is a little bit weird, though. How do I know it's not just some crank call?

TMD: Hey babe, that's the fun of it. So, do you want to go out sometime? I'm a Cowboy of Love.

R: Hahaha! What does that mean? Do you wear a cowboy hat or something?

TMD: Nope. But I was born in Texas. I'm just a love cowboy, I suppose.

R: So, you're not going to make a complete fool out of me when this thing comes out? Cause us Jersey peeps have to stick together.

TMD: For sure. No, you've actually been an excellent interviewee. Very cool, very chill. You've told me some good shit.

And since you have been such a good sport, I'm going to do something completely unconventional: I am going to allow you to ask me a question. Consider yourself priveledged.

R: Ah, nice.

(Maddy consults with roommate for question topic)

R: OK, if you were standing behind any one person at the gates of Heaven, who would it be?

TMD: Great question. Easy for me, though: Jim Morrison.

R: Why?

TMD: Why ask why? He was the man. Like, The Man.

R: Cool, cool. Yeah, he was pretty bad-ass.

TMD: Ah well, that just about wraps it up. You gave a great interview.

R: Thanks!

TMD: No, no, thank you.

R: Have a great day. Talk to ya later.

TMD: Yeah, you too. Now, go do some yoga.