BY ROBBIE BIEDERMAN
For the Daily
Published October 22, 2003
The Michigan Daily: Hi, Alexis?
R: Uh, no.
TMD: This isn’t Alexis?
R: You know what though, you might want to check with
information. They changed the rooms around and I don’t even
know what my phone number is.
TMD: That’s okay. My name’s Robbie and
I’m from The Michigan Daily and you’ve been selected
for the Random Student Interview. Wanna do it?
R: No kidding, yes.
TMD: I would never kid you dear.
R: Well that’s good.
TMD: What’s your name?
TMD: Is this your first time?
TMD: It’s my first time too. If you and I were
together, I’d make it quick and painless.
TMD: You might be screaming my name at the end.
TMD: Uh, oh! Let’s get this party started. So, you
live in South Quad. Do you like it there?
R: Yeah, I love it.
TMD: Question: It’s a Saturday night, you are
getting drunk with your friends, do you and your roommate put a
sock on the door to tell each other you’re getting
R: No, actually we don’t have that problem. We
don’t bring guys back to our room.
TMD: I’m sorry. Does that mean you’re
R: No, I hope not.
TMD: That’s okay, I’m ugly too.
R: Shut up.
TMD: Well, your voice is sexy. I bet you’ll be
getting guys to your room soon.
R: Yeah, I’ll work that out with my roommate.
TMD: I lived in South Quad too, you know. What hall are
R: Eight Thompson.
TMD: I lived there. In your room, look in the northwest
corner. Is there a big stain on the wall?
R: No, there’s not.
TMD: That’s too bad. I left one there. Any idea of
what you will major in?
TMD: You’re just winging it. General studies?
R: Um, maybe pre-med.
TMD: Would you consider shmee-med?
R: Uh, I thought about it for awhile, but I decided
TMD: You would go pre-med, but you wouldn’t go
R: Um, pretty much.
TMD: Are you taking shmorgo?
R: Yes, I’m taking it right now.
TMD: Yeah? Is it shmard?
R: A little bit.
TMD: Megan, I believe in two things.
R: Tell me.
TMD: I believe that you will pass shmorgo and I believe
that the children are our future.
R: (laughs) That’s great.
TMD: And another thing, I believe in magic. And, I
believe in me and you. And I believe that if we set aside our
differences, we’d make beautiful children.
TMD: What music do you listen to?
R: Name it. I listen to a lot of stuff.
TMD: I don’t know Name It, are they good? Can you
sing a song they sing?
R: Uh … no.
TMD: I got a serious question — are you ready? If
you were a nail polish color, what would you be and why? Go! 3-2-1
R: Hot pink! I don’t know why.
TMD: Wrong, not the answer I was looking for.
R: It matches my bathing suit?
TMD: OK. If you were one of the Hanson brothers, which
would you be? Quick! 3 …
R: The one who …
TMD: No, let me finish counting, 3-2-1 …
R: The one who got a haircut.
TMD: Is that the one who is a girl?
R: Aren’t they all girls?
TMD: Now, I’m a heterosexual male, but I thought
they were all so attractive that I would mmm-bop them all.
R: Really …
TMD: Would you ever go out with me?
R: But I don’t know you.
TMD: I feel like I know you. Do you feel sparks?
R: I don’t usually feel sparks over the phone.
TMD: So, what do I have to do to get you naked?
R: That’s a tough one. I don’t let that many
people see me naked.
TMD: Keep in mind, I’m really, really good
R: OK. It has to take a lot.
TMD: Again, I’m really, really —
TMD: Excuse me, no interrupting goddammit … really
R: You’d probably have to get me really drunk.
TMD: Uh, oh. We’ve got a stallion. Want to meet me
later for a drink?
R: No, it’s a Tuesday.
TMD: Listen, some tell me I look like David
R: Why didn’t you say that before?
TMD: You know what that means …
R: “Night Rider?”
TMD: No. Germans love David Hasselhoff!
R: My mom is German!
TMD: Tell your mom I say, “Gutentag,” and she
was great. Well, it’s been a slice of heaven with you. Tell
me you love me, I love you.
R: Anything you say.
TMD: G-O-D bless you. Look for this in the Weekend
Magazine on Thursday. Thanks.