Random fails her Calc exam

BY DOUG WERNERT
Daily TV/New Media Editor
Published November 18, 2004

The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Kelly there?

Random: This is Kelly.

TMD: Hi Kelly, I’m calling from the Michigan Daily and you’ve been selected to do this week’s random student interview.

R: Oh great. How long with this take?

TMD: It was take as long as it takes. Shouldn’t you just be willing to do this?

R: All right, fine.

TMD: Here we go, first question: Are you excited for Thanksgiving?

R: Yes.

TMD: What are you thankful for?

R: Um … family, friends, I don’t know. Do you want something interesting?

TMD: Yeah, aren’t you thankful for the Daily?

R: Yeah, of course.

TMD: Why are you thankful for the Daily?

R: I don’t know … I don’t really read it, sorry.

TMD: You don’t read the Daily? Do you still want to do this interview?

R: I don’t think you want me to do this interview.

TMD: I think I do want you to do this interview. Do you even know what this is?

R: No

TMD: It’s an interview that appears in the Daily so maybe if you read it, you can read yourself doing the interview.

R: OK, well, I’m thankful for dorm food.

TMD: Why?

R: Because I can eat it?

TMD: Yeah, but then you can be thankful for air, then, so you could breathe.

R: Well, I’m thankful for that, too!

TMD: Are you going to the Thanksgiving Day parade in Detroit?

R: No, but I was in it a couple years ago!

TMD: What did you do?

R: I danced.

TMD: Were you on a float?

R: No, I walked the whole way. Is that the end of the questions?

TMD: Of course not. That wouldn’t have been much of an interview.

R: Well, I have a calculus exam tomorrow so I have to study.

TMD: Well, I understand that, but you wanted to do this interview.

R: I didn’t want to do it! You wanted me to do it!

TMD: But you agreed! What’s the better grade-school make-out game: spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven?

R: Spin the bottle. We never actually did seven minutes in heaven when we were in grade school.

TMD: Why not? Could nobody make out for seven minutes?

R: I guess not. I guess I came from a very innocent town, apparently.

TMD: Or a town that didn’t feel like making out for extended periods of time. Who’s the cooler old guy: the Planter’s peanut guy or the Kentucky Fried Chicken guy?

R: The Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.

TMD: Because he’s the colonel?

R: Basically. Plus, I don’t really know who the Planter’s peanut guy is.

TMD: He’s the guy on the cover of the can.

R: I don’t eat Planter’s that much.

TMD: Do you eat KFC?

R: Yeah, who doesn’t?

TMD: I don’t.

R: Well, you’re really not cool.

TMD: I’m not cool because I don’t eat chicken?

R: Well, I have to study for calculus and you’re making me take this survey.

TMD: It’s not a survey, it’s an interview! Who’s the cooler Fred: Fred Flintstone or Fred Durst?

R: Fred Flintstone. Because of, you know, the vitamins.

TMD: I once OD’d on Fred Flintstone vitamins when I was a little kid. True story.

R: I believe it. That was last week, wasn’t it?

TMD: No … I was 6. What did you want to be when you were a little kid?

R: I wanted to be a doctor.

TMD: Not if you fail calculus.

R: If you don’t let me study, I am.

TMD: All right, we’ll just keep going then. What’s your favorite Disney movie?

R: “Lilo and Stitch,” hands down.”

TMD: I guess that’s pretty good. I’m a fan of “The Lion King” myself.

R: Close second.

TMD: Why didn’t Hakuna Matata become a huge mainstream catch phrase?

R: It did! Our senior class this year voted that as their motto!

TMD: Aren’t they about five years too late on that one?

R: Haha, I don’t know.

TMD: That’s understandable. If you had a choice between a Hakuna Matata shirt and a Buck the Fuckeyes shirt, which one would you get?

R: Hakuna Matata.

TMD: Awww, that’s so nice of you.

R: Well I’m a nice person to be doing this survey.

TMD: It’s an interview! Are you on The Facebook?

R: No, I’m a loser. I should be on it.

TMD: Have you heard about the thing where you can say you’re looking for Random Play?

R: Yes, I have.

TMD: Yeah, aren’t you a little freaked out by it?

R: Yeah, I tell my friends not to ask them to be their friends.

TMD: Ouch. But who doesn’t want a little random play?

R: Haha, not really sure.

TMD: Are you a fan of “The O.C?”

R: No, but my hall is.

TMD: So you’re not on The Facebook and you’re not a fan of “The O.C.”

R: My chemistry group always plans their meetings right when “The O.C.” is on.

TMD: What kind of group is that?

R: I don’t know. They suck! They plan them during “The Bachelor,” too.

TMD: Cool. Do you think old people ever drag race each other?

R: Oh yeah.

TMD: How fast do you think they go? Like 30 miles an hour?

R: I’d say 60 would be a safer estimate.

TMD: That’s how fast I drive normally.

R: But you’re not old.

TMD: Well, not yet.

R: Are you really going to put me in the newspaper?

TMD: I just might.

R: Well, I sound kind of ignorant, don’t I?

TMD: Yeah, but you’re perfect. Go study for your exam.

R: OK, I’ll look for myself in the paper I don’t read.

TMD: Yeah, maybe you should read it this Thursday.

R: OK!