BY SEAN DAILEY
Daily Arts Writer
Published November 13, 2003
The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Katie there?
Random: No, she’s out right now.
TMD: This is The Michigan Daily. Do you have time to do the
Random Student Interview for Weekend Magazine?
TMD: If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would
you eat yourself?
TMD: What is Chicken of the Sea made of?
R: I don’t know. Some sort of fish?
TMD: Close enough, tuna. What are buffalo wings made
TMD: Much better. Do you think Nick and Jessica will last
… at least another season?
TMD: How many times can one man save the world in a
24-hour time period?
R: Uh, 24 times?
TMD: Alright. I’ll let Kiefer know his career is
safe. Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?
TMD: Captain Picard or Professor X?
R: Professor X.
TMD: Magneto or Gandolf?
TMD: “The Matrix” sequels or something that
R: I haven’t seen the third one, so I can’t
TMD: Don’t, it’s terrible. Luke Skywalker or
TMD: Apparently, you like whiney guys. Do you think the
“Queer Eye” guys had anything to do with the new $20
bill? I mean, it is pretty fabulous.
R: Yeah, definitely.
TMD: OK, here’s a tougher one. With the intense
jingoism in the wake of 9/11 and our recent endeavor into Iraq, do
you think the United States is in danger of becoming too big of a
R: What do you mean by hegemon?
TMD: I don’t understand it either, let’s keep
going. Puppies or kittens?
TMD: Is Vasaline an acceptable substitute for jelly on
toast? I mean, it’s a kind of jelly, right?
R: No, no. Gross.
TMD: How often would you say you shower? Not often, not
often enough, not at all, or not ever?
R: Uh … not often enough I guess,
TMD: Have you ever tried sugar, or PCP?
R: No, wait, no. Wait.
TMD: Just answer the question.
TMD: Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain
— better separate or together?
TMD: Yeah, you’re weird. Have you ever tried to get
to the center of a tootsie pop in a recordable number of licks?
TMD: Gimme a ballpark estimate.
R: Umm, three before you crunch.
TMD: Fair enough. Ever Googled something so hard your
back hurt the next day?
R: Next question.
TMD: I’ll take that as a “yes.”
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done without ever
telling your roommate? Don’t worry, your name won’t be
R: Brought boys home? Nothing too scandalous.
TMD: That’s pretty boring. Time for the lightning
round. I say a word and you tell me the first thing that comes to
mind. Ready, Go!
R: (long pause.)
TMD: That’s the word.
R: Oh, stop.
TMD: John Mayer.
TMD: Michael Jackson.
TMD: Whoa, easy there. Justin Timberlake.
R: Britney Spears.
TMD: Bucket of cuddles.
R: I have no idea.
R: Don’t know.
TMD: We were looking for “sex” on that one.
TMD: Lake Titicaca.
R: Weird place.
TMD: Name one thing you would change about yourself.
R: Uh, I would be more confident.
TMD: Name one thing you would change about me.
R: Stop asking stupid questions.
TMD: Fair enough. Do you think the campus would read the
Daily more if it were just 10 pages of crosswords?
R: No, no way.
TMD: Whatever happened to Michael Bolton? That’s
not rhetorical, I heard you knew something.
R: I don’t know. The last I heard about him was in
TMD: Yeah, he’s a no-talent ass clown. What’s
the last song you had stuck in your head?
R: Some song by Blessed Union.
TMD: Did I just manage to get it back in your head?
R: Yeah, good job.
TMD: Thanks. Trucker hats: still cool, or did Ashton
Kutcher ruin that, like he does with everything?
R: He doesn’t ruin anything, he’s so hot!
TMD: Right. No seriously, if you were a hot dog and you
were starving, would you eat yourself?
R: No, I really wouldn’t.
TMD: Fine. It’s well past the year 2000. When do
you think we’re gonna get flying cars, pills that contain an
entire meal and those really cool silver outfits?
R: I don’t know about the silver outfits, but the
rest of that stuff will never happen.
TMD: I guess we’ll have to wait another thousand
years. Do you know where I left my keys, perchance? I’ve been
locked out of my house for days and I think my cat is really
starting to get pissed off.
R: I don’t know, did you check the freezer?
TMD: Naw, I stopped putting them there. I hate freezer
burn. One last thing. Someone told me they saw you eating under
there. Any truth to that rumor?
R: I’m not going to answer that.
TMD: C’mon, say you were eating underwear!
R: No way.
TMD: Fine. Thanks for your time. Make sure to check
R: You too.
TMD: Seeing as I’m writing it, I definitely