His name is Jonas, he's carrying the wheel

BY GRAHAM KELLY

DAILY ARTS WRITER

Published February 13, 2003

The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Kevin there?

Random: No he's not.

TMD: Who is this?

R: This is Jonas.

TMD: Hi Jonas, I'm a writer from The Michigan Daily. How would you like to take part in the Random Student Interview?

R: Yeah, sure.

TMD: So, what were you doing when I called?

R: I actually just got back from work

TMD: And what do you do?

R: I'm a student technical writer at the administration building.

TMD: Interesting. What do you prefer on a cold winter's day, sex or ice cream?

R: Sex.

TMD: When is the last time you had sex?

R: Yesterday.

TMD: Was it, a) mind blowing, b) great, c) so-so, d) mind-numbing, or e) you don't remember?

R: Mind blowing.

TMD: Okay now we are going to do some free association. So I'll say a word, and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind.

R: Sure.

TMD: First word is banana.

R: Philippines.

TMD: Cucumber.

R: Salad.

TMD: Sausage.

R: Hot dog. I see what you're doing here.

TMD: And you're fighting it pretty badly.

Next word is a French baguette.

R: I don't know what that is.

TMD: A large, long loaf of bread.

R: The Eiffel Tower

TMD: Strangely enough, that was my next one. So, the Eiffel Tower.

R: Penis. There.

TMD: Dildo.

R: Lesbians.

TMD: Apple.

R: Teacher.

TMD: Is it a turn on to watch a girl eat a banana?

R: Depends on how they're eating it. As long as there's no biting.

TMD: What's the craziest place you would ever think to have sex?

R: The White House. That'd be pretty crazy.

TMD: How many people do you actually think have had sex in the Grad Library, in the Stacks?

R: What time frame?

TMD: Let's say the last five years.

R: Twenty-four. I think it'd be a pretty popular spot.

TMD: Do you think that we are too prudish about sex in this country?

R: Um, I don't think so.

TMD: Are American girls easy?

R: I think so.

TMD: What is the best cereal to incorporate into sex?

R: Cereal?

TMD: Yup.

R: Lucky Charms.

TMD: What is the worst cereal to incorporate into sex?

R: Frosted Flakes.

TMD: Do you think that your parents still rock the bed springs?

R: Yeah.

TMD: What's a good after-sex activity?

R: Sleep.

TMD: How much do you hate cuddling?

R: I've been trained to like it now.

TMD: What's the strangest thing that's ever been said while you were in the middle of sex?

R: That's a tough one. I can't even remember anything. Nothing, can't think of anything. Everything kind of fits.

TMD: Do you find it really strange that barnyard pornography is actually enjoyed by some people?

R: Yeah. Pretty freaky.

TMD: You don't fall into that category, do you?

R: No I do not.

TMD: Just checking. Do you ever get the feeling that the U of M clock tower is extremely phallic?

R: Phallic? What does that mean?

TMD: Representing the male genitalia.

R: Not really.

TMD: Sometimes big buildings, you know. Have you ever gotten road head?

R: Yes.

TMD: How were you able to drive?

R: Just fine. No seatbelt.

TMD: Does breast size matter?

R: A bit. I think it's overrated, but it does matter.

TMD: Does penis size matter?

R: Yeah.

TMD: Who has the better sex organ, the man or woman?

R: Man.

TMD: Who has the stronger libido?

R: Libido?

TMD: Yeah, like the sex drive.

R: Man. Hands down.

TMD: Is it unfair that women can repeatedly reach orgasm and never have to stop for a little rest?

R: Who says it's only women?

TMD: Uh huh ... How many women do you think Mick Jagger has slept with?

R: I have no clue. In his lifetime, more than a hundred. I don't know.

TMD: Now, if he weren't a ridiculously famous and pretty brilliant rock star, and just an ugly dude, how many women would he have slept with. Take away coolness-factor-from-rock-stardom?

R: So now he's just an ordinary guy?

TMD: Yup. Just an ordinary ugly guy.

R: Five.

TMD: Are animals sexy when they mate?

R: No.

TMD: Do you think animals feel anything when they have sex, or is it just instinct?

R: Instinct.

TMD: Is that the proof scientists have been searching for that man is the greatest species on earth?

R: Sure.

TMD: Do you know what pheromones are?

R: Yeah.

TMD: What are they?

R: They are chemical signals that are given off and, depending on the type of signal, you get different reactions. Sex pheromones get people horny.

TMD: Do you believe they work?

R: Yeah.

TMD: Have you ever taken naked pictures of a girlfriend?

R: No.

TMD: Have you ever let naked pictures be taken of you?

R: No.

TMD: Say you had taken naked pictures of your girlfriend, and then she dumped your ass. Would you return them?

R: No.

TMD: What's your favorite color?

R: Red.

TMD: All right. Thanks a lot. This will be in Thursday's paper.