Two weeks ago, recently-beatified English Professor Ralph Williams moderated a sit-down interview with Michigan Daily representative, former Daily editorial page editor Nick Woomer’s Ass, and the Michigan Daily Boycotters at Cafe Zola. Excerpts follow:
Editor’s note: The views of Nick Woomer’s Ass are not necessarily representative of the views of the rest of Nick Woomer.
Ralph Williams: Welcome, both of you. Thanks for coming.
Boycotters: Fuck you, racist.
Ass: Good evening. It’s a pleasure to be here.
RW: I was hoping you could explain why your group is boycotting the Daily.
B: I lost my Daily column last August, and … err … the Daily is a tokenizing, racist institution staffed by members of the Hitler Youth. We united because they didn’t write enough stories about us.
RW: Of course. Of course. I’ve been informed that you planned on trying to sign onto the boycott the Rev. Al Sharpton?
B: Al was available. Geoffrey Feiger wasn’t.
RW: Are you pleased by the results of the boycott?
B: Yes.
A: Yes.
RW: I see. This one’s for you, Mr. Ass. What is the Daily’s official response to the boycott?
A: (farting noises)
RW: Has the boycott changed the Daily’s editorial stance at all?
A: Well, the Daily is boycotting Amnesty International, the NAACP, the United Negro College Fund, various Head Start programs, the Special Olympics and Korean, Chinese and Mexican restaurants. And we’re divesting from Palestinian refugee camps.
RW: Did you know the Latin word for whatever it is that’s wrong with my hands is megadactylus?
B: We’d like to respond to that by pointing out that Nick Woomer’s Ass suffers from the same affliction.
RW: (to Ass) Would you like to respond to that?
A: I would just like to point out that my ass is a symbol of liberation only.
RW: So, why have the boycotters been so quiet lately?
B: Our egos have been clashing.
A: Could someone please kindly pass me the crumpets?
RW: Have the boycotters come up with any new demands?
B: Yes. We would like to formally request that Daily Arts Writer Joey Litman meet former Daily Arts Writer Dustin Seibert on the playground after recess.
RW: Why can’t we all just get along?
A: Because the boycotters are a bunch of self-promoting, wannabe-activist morons.
B: Then we’d have to come up with a new shtick.
RW: Then how would each of you like to see the boycott resolved?
B: The Daily should pay professors at the Life Sciences Initiative to resurrect Jesus and make him head of the paper’s task force on diversity. The task force would be in charge of creating tolerance through viewings of “The Little Rascals” in a multiethnic setting.
A: I agree with the resurrection of our Lord and Savior. But following said resurrection, Daily staffers should re-crucify Jesus on a burning cross on the Daily lawn. In a multiethnic setting, of course.
RW: This meeting’s goal was to work toward some sort of compromise. I hope that we have achieved this on some level. Would each party like a last word?
B: Of course we’d like a last word. We can see that our silly demands are hardly rational and make us look like self-aggrandizing twits. We wonder if you could perhaps get us on television somewhere, or maybe just print our pictures in The Daily again? We are nothing without our campus noteriety, and, frankly, we haven’t been dating much. Please.
RW: And you, Mr. Ass? A last word?
A: Indeed. First, let me state that I am absolutely floored by the arrogance and pettiness displayed here today by the Boycotters. I have more class a in single dingleberry than they possess as a whole. But, ultimately, I’d like to state that these people are quaint children with little to no concept of what it means to be actually fight for something.
The Michigan Daily Boycotters can be reached at www.dailyboycott.com. More worthwile things to do with your time can be found anywhere. Members of The Michigan Daily can be reached care of incoming Editor-in-Chief Louis Meizlish at www.meizlish.com. Be sure to listen to the official Meizlish.com theme song.