Hey, you.

How’s it hanging back there? Is the weather all right? Have you fallen victim to any wandering eyes recently? Who am I kidding, of course you have. I have felt many a strange glance searing in your direction as of late (read: cuffing season, and the like).

I am not here to mock your unusual width, nor your circumference. I have no desire to poke fun at your stretch marks, hard-earned by a body that I am still learning to love. No, my dear friend and favored appendage, I am writing to you today to say thank you.