Monday, February 24, 2020 - 1:18pm

We lie all the time. We lie to seem more impressive, intelligent and cultured. We lie to convince others that we have seen that movie, listened to that podcast or read that book. We lie to protect our mothers, our friends, ourselves. We lie because sometimes it’s easier than telling the truth. 

Here is my Definitive Dictionary of Dishonesty; you can trust me, though.

  1. I have seen “Jaws.”

Monday, February 10, 2020 - 3:47pm

You have a problem. You fall in love with 15 people every day: The girl in white Doc Martens at CVS, the guy who juuls in your Psych lecture, your sexy GSI, the Amazon delivery truck driver, your neighbor who brushes his teeth outside, your lab partner whose hydroflask matchers her eyes, the guy in your film class who likes his T-shirt two sizes too small, the barista at Espresso Royale on State, the barista at Espresso Royale on South University, the guy at Hatcher who looks like he could be a barista. It’s not a real kind of love, a “marry me” or a “have my kids” kind of love.

Monday, January 27, 2020 - 5:39pm

The teenagers wasting their parents’ hard-earned money shuffle into the classroom. It’s an afternoon class; none of these liberals could get out of bed before 10 a.m. anyway. The professor arrives late because he has no understanding of consequences and is an atheist. The professor wears a scarf or has a ponytail or worse, both. The students stare at their laptops like zombies, scrolling incessantly on their socialized media.

Monday, January 13, 2020 - 5:45pm

One question has plagued seniors at this university for decades: “What are you doing after graduation?” As I begin the last semester of my college career in the Film, Television and Media program, I can’t stop hearing this inane question. Everywhere you go, everyone you speak to, every barista, every aunt and uncle, every student from your first year writing class, every Tinder swipe, every single person on this dying planet wants to know what you — yes, you — are doing after graduation. No matter how many times they ask, they will ask again.

Monday, December 2, 2019 - 12:22pm

This morning I googled the following: 

Cuffing season duration

Timothée Chalamet Jewish

When is retrograde over

Can you die from lack of attention

It turns out that cuffing season is until March, Timmy isJewish, Mercury is technically out of retrograde but its effects will linger until Saturday and no, you can’t die from a lack of attention. I think our morning Googlings say a lot about us. For your reading pleasure, dear reader, here are some recent Googlings from yours truly.

Nick Jonas nipples

Larry David young

Monday, November 4, 2019 - 6:00pm
Becky Portman

You walk into a bar on Halloween dressed as Margot Robbie dressed as Sharon Tate from Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.” You spent 20 dollars and six hours trying to put on fake eyelashes and the bar is empty. The guy dressed as Austin Powers you flirted with at Rick’s on Tuesday isn’t there, your roommates who couldn’t decide on a trio costume that wasn’t “Mamma Mia” or the Kardashians aren’t there.

Monday, October 21, 2019 - 1:59pm
Becky Portman

I’ve only been in love once, and it was with the back of a stranger’s head on the two train. I was listening to Frankie Cosmos and had just spilled cold brew on my sundress, so it was ripe to happen. I looked up from my New York Times Crossword app and my eyes met his cervical vertebrae; it was magic. His head wasn’t perfectly round, like maybe he was dropped a few times as a baby. I was intrigued. He had just gotten a haircut, I could tell because his neck was still slightly red. He wore a suit that was just a little wrinkled, as if to say I am employed but I don’t own an iron.

Monday, October 7, 2019 - 5:23pm
Becky Portman

I will not atone for my Pinterest boards, of which there are many.

Monday, September 23, 2019 - 1:30pm
Shane Gillis

How many male comedians have to swear that their comedy is not offensive rather, inventive, contemporary or transgressive? If you have to tell people it’s not racist/homophobic/transphobic/anti-semitic/sexist, it probably is.

Monday, September 9, 2019 - 1:24pm
Becky Portman

Everything about Torres’s aesthetic is the opposite of what stand-up comedy has made itself into. The typical comedian expresses comfort in minimal clothing with nothing but a microphone as a prop — relying solely on one’s performance.